SPECIAL REPORT: (Aug. 30, 2006)
The Rabbi and the Apartment Building
This is the story of a rabbi. And a real estate developer. Actually, a rabbi real estate developer. Oh, and he’s also a refugee rescuer. A rabbi real estate developer refugee rescuer. (Say it fast ten times.) I could not verify that this rabbi has rescued refugees, but the claim is widely accepted that he and at least one other rabbi worked together to enable Jews to leave Iran in 1979, during the reign of the Ayatollah Khomeini. Teriton: Landmark on Death Row Do the Teriton Apartments in Santa Monica have historical value? You might as well ask, does Santa Monica have historical value? Does Los Angeles? Once upon an increasingly long time ago, Southern California was substantially made of Teriton Apartments. Teriton Photo Page
LTSEWH (Aug. 16, 2006)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters with Humanity, or LTSEWH, for um, short. They are intended as a chronicle of the decline in civility and deference, written with just the slightest implication of humor, in this, the alleged 21st century. Names have been included whenever possible to ensure fullest humiliation.
Breakfast Without The Beatles (Aug. 9, 2006)
Remember those late ‘50’s/early ‘60’s propaganda films about the threat of communism? You know, there was always a cartoon sequence of the planet with dirty commie countries in red. The bass-baritone narrator would declaim about the “red menace!” and brass would blare like the theme from “Godzilla.”
Dershowitless  (Aug. 2, 2006)
Alan Dershowitz is sick, demented, ghoulish. Yes, you say, but how does that distinguish him from other lawyers? Good point. But Dershowitz is so twisted, so skin-crawlingly brutish that he really missed a bet, career-wise.
Love, Love Love (July 26, 2006)
Look, what can I say? I have no objectivity here. I’m gaga. I was fifteen feet away when Ringo Starr said, “Weren’t we the greatest f---in’ band ever?” to Paul McCartney, and they embraced. Sneer all you want. This was beautiful, and it was history.
A Hero's Journey (July 19, 2006)
What is happening now in Las Vegas requires new words, cliches. "Bizarre," "excess" hardly cut it. Perhaps an eloquent Brit could capture things with characteristic understatement, but I can’t. This is hypertrophus elephantiasis insanitus.
Vicious Dogs  (6/28/06)
Who let the dogs out? Bush! Bush! Bush! Bush!Bush has sic’ed his curs on the free press yet again, and they are chewing the Armani cuffs of the New York Times. One e-mail snarl sent to the NYT calls for beheading publisher Arthur Shulzberger. Another was more, um, articulate:
Impeachy Keen! (6/21/06)
Dave Lindorff is not a fun guy. He’s drop-dead serious, always talking about issues and problems in pointed, pithy terms. I mean, he never worries about what Britney Spears is up to, or who will be the next American Idol, or whether Katie Couric will cut it as a CBS anchor. This is, of course, makes him practically un-American.
Venice is Sinking (6/14/06)
The answer to the murder at Venice High School is simple: expulsion. The administration, that is.
Round The Bend (6/7/06)
round the bend that’s where we are in the frying pan and get me a car I’ve got to get outta this place if it’s the last thing I ever do the third world war shuffle do the voodoo boogaloo turn around twice and everything’s sugar and spice in crummy rummyland and vice is nice but condi is dandi and cheney, my baby’s got me locked up
This, That, and The Other  (6/1/06)
THIS: Eight previously unknown invertebrate creatures have been discovered in an underwater cave in central Israel.
THAT: Dick Cheney was not among them.
This, That, and The Other  (5/23/06)
THIS: Heather Mills McCartney separates from Beatle Paul.
THAT: I guess their marriage was just limping along, on its last legs. But she's got a leg up on things now. As for Paul, well, I guess he's stumped. With no prenup, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. It’s going to cost him an arm and a leg. Their marriage is out on a limb, at best.
City Footnotes (517/06)
You find them everywhere. Blowing down sidewalks, crumpled up in bushes, rumpled and stained in curbside gutters. Bits and pieces of daily lives, discarded or lost, there at your feet. Each one a chapter from a story, somewhere in the middle of a human book. Call them city footnotes. . .
Andy  (5/10/06)
I’m sitting here on a nondescript Tuesday---another one of those Tuesdays that seem to come every week, unless you live in Mexico, where they are Martes-es---with the ghost of Frank Zappa. Frank visits every time I need to be reminded that the world is full of shit, and people are grubby little greed-mongers hung up on self-aggrandisement and cheap gratification.
This, That, and The Other (5/3/06)
THIS: Mexican president Vicente Fox legalizes cocaine, heroin, pot, LSD, PCP, opium, synthetic opiates, mescaline, peyote, psilocybin mushrooms, amphetamines, methamphetamines. 
City Footnotes (4/19/06)
You find them everywhere. Blowing down sidewalks, crumpled up in bushes, rumpled and stained in curbside gutters. Bits and pieces of daily lives, discarded or lost, there at your feet. Each one a chapter from a story, somewhere in the middle of a human book. Call them city footnotes. . .
Nookulur Demockery (4/12/06)
There is no danger of the Bush administration using nuclear weapons against Iran, or any other country. Nookulur weapons, on the other hand. . .
Conspiracy of Cynicism (4/05/06)
Here is a 9/11 conspiracy theory. Seven-11 did it. All those clerks in turbans with the funny accents—when they smiled as you bought your 32 oz. coffee, Big Gulp, glow-in-the-dark hot dog, and churro, they were really thinking, “death to the Great Satan!”
Si, Say What? (3/28/06)
So I’m walking past a group of about 300 high school kids protesting the proposed immigration law outside the federal building in Westwood. It’s about 2 in the afternoon. The scene looks like exercise time at Folsom, what with the shaved heads, white T-shirts, tattoos, baggy clothes that typify nice young people today.
LTSEWH (3/15/06)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters with Humanity, or LTSEWH, for um, short. They are intended as a chronicle of the decline in civility and deference, written with just the slightest implication of humor, in this, the alleged 21st century. Names have been included whenever possible to ensure fullest humiliation.
Odorman (3/7/06)
I was typing, if not perhaps writing, in the back of a wonderful Japanese tea place in West L.A., when he came in. I knew he had entered, and I knew much about his life, without looking up.
Cheers From The Lingo Czar  (3/1/06)
The Lingo Czar has put aside his paralyzing astonishment over nearly everything happening in the world today, and, well, no he hasn't. He is barely able to type at this stage, so thunderstruck is he by the staggeringly stupid manner in which human beings are currently conducting themselves.
Birdie and the Beast (2/15/06)
Bush is a lame duck, but Cheney might be a dead duck. (Metaphorically, FBI readers!) The vice-president’s birdbrained hunting vice could well  cost him his heartbeat-away-from the presidency. Call him Vice-President Quail. He’s been winged.
Perish the Thought (2/8/06)
The other night I was walking to Sav-On to buy some medicine to keep my excess stomach acid neutralized. My female superior, surveying the visual cacophony of evening traffic as dead as Francisco Franco, and neon spider traps aiming to grow sticky with dollars exchanged for coffee, tacos, burgers, sushi, sex DVD’s, booze, artificially tanned skin, remarked:
Schizo-Zine (2/1/06)
The L.A. Times magazine, which is called The Los Angeles Times Magazine, is renaming itself West this coming Sunday, Feb. 5. Of course, the old L.A. Times magazine was called West. That was way back in the 1960's, and Jim Bellows was editor.
Stein's Monstrous Words (1/26/06)
Joel Stein, the little sitcom writer who has a weekly political column on the L.A. Times op-ed page(!), needs to resign or be fired. This is the only way the Times editorial pages can maintain the slightest veneer of dignity, if not credibility. In the past few years, the pages have schizophrenically gone from namby-pamby middle-of-the-road to Michael Kinsley-left to namby-pamby conservative. With Little Joey, they have gone namby-Pampers.
LTSEWH (1/25/06)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity, or LTSEWH for um, short. Names have been included when possible to ensure fullest humiliation.
Haute Couture Horror (1/20/06)
Reese Witherspoon, I’m behind you, baby.I’m always behind anyone with principle and ethics and pride and guts, and that’s what you’ve got, girlfriend.
Lingo Czar, Personally (1/18/06)
The Lingo Czar has dragged his battered and bruised carcass away from all radio and TeeVee news, away from all abusive e-mail from alleged friends and neighbors, and has heroically propped himself up before his computer in yet another valiant, if doomed effort to instill Lingo sense into alleged speakers of English, far and wide.
This, That, and The Other (1/11/06)
THIS: Supreme Court nominee Samuel A. Alito declares that he “will keep an open mind” if (when) he is confirmed.THAT: Wow! Imagine that---a Supreme Court Justice with an open mind! Will wonders never cease? THE OTHER: Alito’s 1985 job application to Atty. Gen. Ed Meese: "I am and always have been a conservative."
Brokeback Mountin' (1/4/06)
I’m a homophobe. That’s the verdict rendered, apparently, just because I don’t want to see “Brokeback Mountain.” I suppose not wanting to see films fraught with chain-saw killings makes me a murderphobe.
The Tookie Toodleoo (12/14/05)
Hold on to your purse, Mike Farrell, this might be rough reading for you. Tookie is gone, gone, gone. Took-Took-Tookie, goodbyyyye. . .They took Tookie down. Tookie took the "D" Train. He was lethally ejected. He ain't never comin' back no' mo'---not to write kiddie books, or his life story, or to shotgun people at point-blank range as they beg for their lives.
Paper Shortage (12/7/05)
I don’t think newspapers are dying. I think they died a long time ago. I think the rise of demographic research dictating content was the first death knell. This began in the ‘70s, and it supplanted, or at least corrupted, what used to be called “news judgment.”
Paul's Silly Treatment (11/30/05)
 Seeing as Sir Paul McCartney is in town, and next week marks the 25th anniversary of John Lennon’s murder, I thought it especially timely to share an amusing document sent to me by Mark Haefeli Productions.
Choose Downtown! (11/23/05)
It’s true: when a city rots, the rats move in. In downtown L.A., the rats have a lot of money---enough for some really nice nests that go for between $700,000 and a million. Even before they are built.
This, That, and The Other (11/16/05)
THIS: The L.A. Times fires Robert Scheer after 30 years.
THAT: Guess it didn’t work out. THIS: Scheer: “The owner of this paper has taken direct control over the editorial page. (Publisher) Jeff Johnson is an accountant. He’s not a journalist. He has said, ‘I am going to run the editorial page. I'm going to run the columns and the editorials,’ very clearly, and. . .‘I'm in charge and I want this page to be more conservative.’”THAT: Good that the Times doesn’t fire columnists on the basis of their politics.
This, That, and The Other (11/9/05)
THIS: Schwarzenegger during the voting: "Why would I listen to losers? I mean, let's be honest. I mean, do you think that this is the same thing as like -- let me just make it simple to you. They have lost every single ballot in the Bay Area. Everything. The big spenders wanted to go with increased taxes, many different taxes and fees and all kinds of things."THAT: He's obviously been working with Bush's speech coach.
Road Trip (11/4/05)
I relish driving to SF the way I relish Regis and Kelly, cold soup, Dick Cheney, blood-blisters. I-5 is an exercise in anti-existence. Enslave yourself to a machine for five hours. The shortest distance between two points is a cup of coffee and loud music.
Lingo Czar (Oct. 26, 2005)
What is more cripplingly ironic than Madonna’s recent condemnation of television as a destructive waste of life? Why, it’s human beings’ use of language, of course. Here the pawing beasts have access to all manner of dictionary, encyclopedia, even Internet wikipedias, yet they insist on grunting and snorting.
Gene Splits (Oct. 19, 2005)
Steel gray hair. Straight, just combable. Green sunglasses. Green cigar. Black eyebrows headed for collision. Gray or brown suit jacket, perhaps plaid shirt, nondescript slacks, shoes. Not natty, not ratty. About five-feet-five. Economical features. And that voice, a sharp report that made heads turn. “Hah!”
Hate Speech (Oct. 12, 2005)
I hate all the new talk about hate speech legislation. I hate any effort to make any speech a criminal offense, unless perhaps it emanates from the mouth of Tom Cruise. Or if it involves threat or incitement to kill or riot. But there are already laws covering such things.
Secret Bush Tape! (Oct. 5, 2005)
The Rip Post has obtained a tape containing instructions by “President” George W. Bush for writing the speech introducing Harriet Miers as his nominee for retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor’s spot.
LTSEWH (Sept. 27, 2005)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity, or LTSEWH, for um, short. All names have been included whenever possible to ensure fullest humiliation. LTSEWH # 1: Pedestrian behavior
Grand Old Penguin (Sept. 20, 2005)
Penguins.The new symbol of the Repugnican Party? Could be. Figures that all the suits would like an animal that looks like a suit.
Batman Vs. Bobblehead (Sept. 13, 2005)
I’ve figured it out. I know how to get us out of Iraq, how to restore sanity to the White House (well, let’s say restore routine corruption), how to avert another New Orleans. Even how to fight terrorism.
Of Stiffs and Shoes (Sept. 7, 2005)
Did I understand this correctly?Hurricane Katrina wipes out New Orleans, leaving thousands drowned, thousands more dying of thirst and hunger, and Secretary of State Condoleezza “Imelda” Rice goes shopping at Ferragamo’s in New York City for several thousand dollars’ worth of leather shoes?
Looking at Lapdogs  (Aug. 10, 2005)
I dared to set foot in an “Apple Store” the other day.
I have obviously outlived my usefulness as a human being.
It was, oh, let’s see. . .rather like a kindergarten playground, except the children had fully matured glands and teeming hormones, and the playthings were computers and money.
This, That, and The Other (July 28, 2005)
THIS: Retired 62-year-old teacher is found guilty of assault.
THAT: Teach was being searched by an airport screener, and when screener’s hands flirted with Teach’s breasts, Teach grabbed screener’s breasts and said, “How would you like it if I did that to you?” She faces a year in jail and $100,000 in fines.
THE OTHER: Just tit for tat, if you ask me.
The Sorting Hat Speaks (July 20, 2005)
(Editor's note: The Pope, while still a Cardinal, wrote a letter in which he warned of the evils of the Harry Potter books. For those who have not read the books, and we hope your numbers are dwindling, there is a character known as The Sorting Hat, a talking piece of headgear that speaks in poem and rhyme and chooses which students will be placed in which "house" at Hogwarts School of Wizardry.
Lingo Czar's Secret Leaks  (July 13, 2005)
The Lingo Czar hereby secretly leaks vital national lingo information to The Rip Post, in the interests of national lingo security. If this leak is traced back to the Czar, all will be denied and The Rip Post editorial board will be fully prosecuted by impartial right-wing extremist judges.
Farkash  (July 13, 2005)
Farkash slumbers under some massive, ugly power lines on a hill in the San Fernando Valley, with a distant view of smoggy, grungy Sun Valley. Not that the view matters to him. As a mutual friend put it, “guess he’s shakin’ hands with that ole groundhog now, to paraphrase Dr. John and Louis Armstrong.”
Boom Goes London
(July 7, 2005)
I’m going back to bed. I don’t like waking up to see that vermin have blown people up. I don’t like to see lyrical red London double-decker buses burned to rubble. I don’t like to see footage of broken men lying limp on stretchers while paramedics slam their chests, trying to restart their hearts. I don’t like to hear about subway trains full of peaceable, workaday folk being bombed.
LTSEWH (July 6, 2005)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity, or LTSEWH, for um, short. For those unfamiliar with this long-running column, it is an attempt to set down minor occurrences that chronicle the ongoing decline and decay of civilization. Names have been used whenever possible in order to ensure fullest humiliation.
Karl the Ratf***er (June 29, 2005)
Hey, it’s not my term---it’s what convicted Watergate conspirator Donald Segretti’s team of Nixon dirty tricksters proudly called themselves. And Karl Christian (yes, that’s his real middle name) Rove was one of them, of course.
Stein's Brave Stance (June 22, 2005)
Oh, no, Ben Stein has written his last E-online “Monday Night at Morton’s” column! Whatever shall I do? And it was so wrenching for poor Ben to give up the gig. As he wrote, “I loved writing this column so much for so long I came to believe it would never end.” Perhaps Ben felt he was destined for eternal life. If so, imagine his disappointment. My heart goes out to him!
This, That, and The Other  (June 16, 2005)
THIS: Couldn’t find a single paper carrying the headline, “JACKSON BEATS IT.” THAT: A Jackson spokesman said that his boss is changing his ways, and will never allow children into the bedroom again. THE OTHER: The shower remains an open question.
LTSEWH (June 8, 2005)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity, or LTSEWH, for um, short. Names and other identifying characteristics have been included whenever possible to ensure fullest humiliation.
This, That, and The Other (June 3, 2005)
THIS: Laura Bush is talked up as a presidential candidate.
THAT: Where is Rod Serling when you need him?
THE OTHER: The most frightening thing about this is that it could happen.
This, That, and The Other (May 25, 2005)
THIS: Jay Leno testifies at the Michael Jackson trial. THAT: He could have offered expert testimony on the advantages of having a real chin.
Is All Calm at Venice High? (May 18, 2005)
“Pop!”A 17-year-old boy lay on the sidewalk on Walgrove Avenue outside of Venice High School, at 2 o’clock on a classically gorgeous L.A. day. Sun was warm, the west side air laced with marine layer, carried by light breeze.The boy was flat on his back with a big hole in his chest, blood bubbling out, victim of the cop cliché known as a “drive-by shooting.”
Homegirl Laurita  (May 11, 2005)
Lodged deep in the clogged intestines of an L.A. Times article about Laura Bush’s recent visit to the remains of this city was a brief account of her stop at Homeboy Industries.
This, That, and The Other (May 4, 2005)
THIS: L.A. Mayor James Hahn attacks mayoral candidate Antonio “Little Anthony” Villaraigosa for questionable fundraising. Villaraigosa attacks Hahn for. . .questionable fundraising.THAT: What candidate in the country is not subject to charges of questionable fundraising? THE OTHER: Maybe I’m the only one who noticed, but there seem to have been a lot of shootings on freeways lately.
LTSEWH  (Apr. 28, 2005)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity, or LTSEWH, for um, short. For those unfamiliar with this long-running column, it is an attempt to set down minor occurrences that chronicle the ongoing decline and decay of civilized behavior. Names have been used whenever possible in order to ensure fullest humiliation.
Lingo Lower Now  (April 21, 2005)
The white smoke emanating from the chimney in the Lingo Palace does not indicate the presence of a new Lingo Czar, but rather the degree of sizzle between the Czar’s ears over the further assault on language.
Auto-matons  (April 14, 2005)
Cars thrill and captivate me every bit as much as soccer. No, more. I will never fathom a four-hour game with maybe one or two points scored, the rules of which are: “move the ball around without using your hands.”
Cool Jerk (April 6, 2005)
I know that things are not always what they appear to be, and not everyone can think clearly all the time. Why, some people are handicapped and cannot think clearly at any time. I once knew a woman with mild brain damage who could not differentiate between beef and chicken. “Chicken’s beef,” she observed.
He Went For A Little Walk (March 30, 2005)
I went out for a long walk early the other morning, to “greet the brand new day,” as John Lennon sang; to help usher in the spring outburst of roses, crepe myrtle blossoms, azaleas, camellias, etc.  Instead, of course, I found distraction. Try as I might to ignore it, human behavior tends to just shout down beauty and delicacy.
War on Drugs (March 2, 2005)
Drugs, as we know, are evil. This is why Nancy Reagan told everyone to "just say no." This is why countless millions---er, billions---are spent fighting the "War on Drugs" instead of on, say, schools. (Gee, isn't it funny how drugs are more plentiful and popular than ever, anyhow?)
Death of Dr. Gonzo (Feb. 26, 2005)
So Hunter Thompson took the Hemingway off-ramp on the One-Way Turnpike. There are hurt feelings among old friends, and the hapless "what a waste" and "why'd he do it?" cliches among fans and readers.
Vote for Granny (Feb. 16, 2005)
I ran into mayoral candidate Antonio Villaraigosa, which I think is pronounced roughly like Bela Lugosi, a couple weeks ago. He and another guy were sitting in a nice car in Little Tokyo, late on a cool Sunday afternoon, while a hot blonde female companion scoped out a nearby restaurant.
State of the Lingo Union
(Feb. 9. 2005)
Full text of the Lingo Czar's recent State of the Lingo Union address: Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice-President, members of congress, my fellow Americans. The State of the Lingo Union is weak. Very weak. In fact, it has never been in such disarray, so divided by mispronunciations, malaprops, insipid slang, crippled syntax.
Froggie, the Wrath of God?
(Feb. 2, 2005)
Calling all Christians! No, no---not Armageddonists, fundamentalists, born-agains, "escatalogists," and other such intellectually deficient detainees of ignorance and superstition---I mean Christians. Right. The ones who believe in the spirit of Hay-zoos's teachings, not the literal letter of the humans who wrote the Babble, and later translated it imprecisely into English.
This, That, and The Other
(Jan. 26, 2005)
THIS: News item: "President" Bush now has his own private army of 13,000 commandos known as "Power Geyser," for use at his whim in fighting domestic terrorism. THAT: And people complained about Nixon's White House military honor guard dressing like something out of Buckingham Palace. . .THE OTHER: Feel safer?
 

This, That, and The Other
(Jan. 20, 2005)
THIS: About a dozen protesters began chanting toward the end of "President" Bush's amazingly bland and empty coronation address, in which he essentially repeated the words "freedom" and "free" as often as possible. THAT: The protesters were promptly hustled away by police.
This, That, and The Other
(Jan. 12, 2005) THIS: Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who through astounding manipulation of empty-headed jackasses has been elected governor of California, said recently that he is a "big believer in roads."THAT: This would explain why his budget includes zero---that's no, nada, nothing, and otherwise hastalavistababy---money for new highways or mass transit.
No News (Jan. 5, 2005)
Okay, it's been long enough. I haven't been able to stomach any news since shortly after the election. I've missed it every bit as much as gum surgery, so I finally picked up the paper to soak up
LTSEWH (Dec. 15, 2004)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters with Humanity, or LTSEWH for, uh, short. Names have been included when possible and appropriate in the full interests of humiliation.
Aieeeeeeeee Mail! (Dec. 8, 2004)
We get letters! There are many readers who have never been menaced by a rabid dog in the late stages of frothing madness. Perhaps the following uncensored e-mail---be warned, it is X-rated!---which came in response to my "Terrorists in the Voting Booths" column, will allow said readers to compensate for having missed that particular life experience. Call it Aieeeee-mail. (The Rip Post is not responsible for spelling and punctuation idiosyncracies of our colorful contributors.)
Lingo Czar is Back in the Day
(Dec. 1, 2004)
The Lingo Czar is back from his extreme makeover, but somehow they missed the double-chin. Anyhow, you don't type with your chin, and good looks never got any writer anywhere, so. . .
Iris Chang: The Price of Her Crusade
(Nov. 13, 2004)
Poor, poor Iris Chang. I have often observed that if the brain had no filters, and we could exactly understand the totality of human evil and stupidity---all at once---we would promptly commit suicide.
LTSEWH (Nov. 10, 2004)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters with Humanity, or LTSEWH for, uh, short. Names have been included when possible and appropriate in the full interests of humiliation.

He's Still Afflicting the Comfortable
(Oct. 6, 2004)
Now, nothing would give me greater pleasure than if you rush right out and buy a copy of my strange and wonderful novel, "The Last Byline." It's snappy! Well, I take that back. It would give me greater pleasure if Bush were to be voted out of office, or if scientists find that Scotch is good for you, or if you rush out and buy "This Can't Be Happening," by Dave Lindorff. (Psst--- I hear that The Last Byline isn't bad, either.)
Fear Factor (Sept. 29, 2004)
I've been called a lot of names, I suppose. I recall someone referring to me once as an "exposed nerve," which I rather liked, and I remember the marginally literate editor who (behind my back) enjoyed labelling me with a commonly employed vulgarism for the nethermost exit point in the body. Coming from her, I wore it like a badge.
But "coward"?
LTSEW. . .Computers (Sept. 22, 2004)
So you want to get your computer fixed, eh? Pssst. C'mere---let me give you some good advice. Better to just cut your hands off so you won’t have to worry about typing anymore.
This, That, and The Other (Sept. 8, 2004)
THIS: Bush ex-sister-in-law says young Dubya put cocaine in his nose while at Camp David during his father's administration.THAT: But did he inhale?
I Protest (Aug. 24, 2004)
To get to "my" side of the protest, I had to walk through a pack of roiling Bush supporters. A thousand-armed monster of white eyeballs, bared teeth, and American flags signs sticking up like pocupine quills.
1-2-3, What am I writin' for? (Aug. 19, 2004)
When I was about fourteen, the sky ripped open and God's pajamas fell out. That's what I wrote in my novel-in-the-works (line up now!), "The Oaks." Seemed like an okay way to describe things. I lived in green and blue. It was my black and white.
This, That, and the Other (Aug. 12, 2004)
THIS: Indefinite Orange Terror Alert!
THAT: Should have called one of those twenty years ago, instead of supporting Saddam and selling him weapons.
THE OTHER: Should have called one of those twenty years ago, instead of supporting Osama and selling him weapons.
My Personal Relationship With Christ
(Aug. 4, 2004) I was shooting the breeze with my friend, Jesus H. Christ, the other day. He has a hell of time, Jesus, given the remarkable similarity between his name and that of the man regarded by many as The Lord and Savior.  Jesus H. likes to call himself "The Lard and Savoir-faire."
Defending Mr. Bush (July 28, 2004)
I read the remarks attributed to President George W. Bush by Professor Yoshihiro Tsurumi, who says he taught young Mr. Bush while a visiting associate professor of international business at Harvard in the 1970s. Among the man-who-would-be-President's alleged declarations: the film version of Steinbeck's "Grapes of Wrath" was "corny,". . .
One Year B.C. (July 21, 2004)
I still see B.C. the cat out of the corner of my eye, usually as I sit here typing. I catch a glimpse of his black fluffy frame in the hallway, peripherally, about 3 p.m.. Yellow eyes wide and faintly irritated. I know he's waiting there, bored, right on schedule, wondering why I sit here all the time. (As do I.) And I know I'll get up in moment, put him in my lap and massage his aching old back.
Of Vegas and Cretins (July 20, 2004)
Las Vegas is the swirling whirlpool in the toilet of capitalism. It is the detritus under the rotting fingernails of a greed-deranged society. It is the crust in the infection that killed American conscience. Ronstadt should wear being kicked out of there like a damn badge.
A Midsummer Day's LTSEWH (July 14, 2004)
LTSEWH # 1: CLIP-ON JOINT: I needed a pair of clip-on sunglasses. My old ones broke, and I was tired of squinting like Walter Brennan. I stopped into a little tourist clip-joint by the Venice Pier, where a woman with unknown Middle East accent helped me. I found a pair that fit, paid the ten bucks, and went on my way. Voila!
Well, not so Voila. . .
Left Jab  (July 7, 2004)
Who says the left can't be just as despicable and brutish as the right? Who says lefties are wimps? Who says they all wear pink ties and speak as daintily as Tom Dashle? Wait'll you run into Jeffrey "Hey A--hole" St. Clair.
Monumental Lies   (July 3, 2004)
There it was, buried on page A28 of the July 3 (Saturday) L.A. Times: "Army Stage-Managed Fall of Hussein Statue." Never mind that the international press---I particularly recall Robert Fisk's columns and Ann Garrells' NPR dispatches---had reported this information ad nauseum, in detail, almost from the day it happened.
Daily News Vs. Daily News
(June 30, 2004)
I have many regrets in life. High on the list is not punching out a veterinarian who refused to treat my dying cat because all I had was a check. Also high up is naming the Daily News of Los Angeles. That's correct, I named the paper. Well, at least I think I did.
Follicle Follies (June 17, 2004)
I dreamed I depilated myself the other night. Well, part of myself---just a three-and-a-half-inch piece, but one resplendant with implications of masculinity and character!
Put Him On The Ten-Dollar Bill (June 17, 2004)
I didn't share his vision, but I have to say he was a great gentleman who inspired the nation---even the world. His leadership was undeniable, and his impact on peace cannot accurately be measured.
Real Americans (June 10, 2004)
We live in Nasty Nation. All the speeches about how wonderful and forgiving the American people are---bunk. This is a society of smartasses. The Snide States of America. Snickering, sneering, snarling are the sine qua non.
Death in the Neighborhood (June 2, 2004)
Once upon a time, there was a nice West L.A. neighborhood.A man from Iran came to the nice neighborhood, and raised his family in a little home there. The neighborhood was very good to him, as was the United States, his adopted country.
He's Red, White, and Very Blue
(May 26, 2004) I found Uncle Sam dumpster-diving behind a McDonald's in West L.A.. The red-white-and-blue striped pants sticking up, feet dangling in air, were a dead giveaway. "U.S.!" I said, "What in hell are you doing?"
Lingo Czar is Doing Everything He Can
(May 12, 2004) Citizens are advised to avoid using the following worn-out phrases, buffoonish slang, buzzwords, mistakes and mispronunciations infecting and muddling clear and dignified communication in this, the 21st century. ORALCY---Okay, boys and girls, in your seats, please.
President Paranoia (May 5, 2004)
I seem to recall George W. Bush chanting "I'm a leader" to a hypnotized public during the last so-called election. Is he? Would a leader preach defeatism? Bush does. To listen to him and his advisors, one can only conclude that: We are a beaten nation. We are whipped. We are cowed. We are defenseless.
This, That, and The Other (May 8, 2004)
THIS: Donald Rumsfeld says the torture of Iraqi men and women in Saddam's own former torture chambers by U.S. soldiers---under apparent control of U.S. "private security" firms functioning free of U.S. law---is "un-American."THAT: Not any more.
LTSEWH (Apr. 28, 2004)
Call them Less than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity, or LTSEWH, for short. A chronicle of the decay of civility, sanity, and synapses in this, the 21st Century. All business names have been included when possible to ensure fullest humiliation.
Bush: Terrorists' Escort (Apr. 21, 2004)
President George W. Bush almost personally escorted three 9/11 hijackers into the United States.Read it again.
This contention does not come from Air America, or "liberal wackos," or conspiracy theorists. It comes from Richard M. Nixon's chief political strategist during the 1968 campaign, Kevin Phillips.
This, That, and The Other (Apr. 14, 2004)
THIS: Vice-President George W. "President" Bush opens his press conference with this: "This has been tough weeks in that country." THAT: Yes, it have.
They Live! (Apr. 7, 2004)
Ever see that goofy John Carpenter science-fiction movie, "They Live!"? If you haven't, the premise has to do with evil extra-terrestrial zombie-oid creepos taking over the world. Only certain people wearing certain sunglasses can see them. Otherwise, they look like perfectly normal, respectable humans.You know, like Michael Jackson. (Okay, not the best example.)
Fidgeting in Dizzy Hall (March 31, 2004)
I don't mean to harp on Disney Hall too much. I've already trumpeted my view about The Silver Stunt on this site and in the L.A. Times. Bass-ically, you know my position. And if you don't, I'm not about to beat that drum again. But I do have some new notes to share. . .
Lingo Czar Gives You the Detells
(March 24, 2004)
Forget all the recent hoo-hah over Sandra Tsinging the bleeping f-word---the Lingo Czar is giving you the Lohdown on terms that really ought to be bleeped at all times under all Lingocircumstances.
This, That, and The Other (March 17, 2004)
THIS: The Bush administration produced videos for local television news programs in which reporters praised the benefits of the new Medicare law. One problem: the reporters were actors hired to perform the parts, reading from a script. THAT: Fake reporters, fake terror alerts, fake WMD, fake president. What's the faking problem?
Carrying On (March 10, 2004)
The last Shag Hanson died the other day. Shag Hanson, for the one or two (cough) readers who have not yet ordered "The Last Byline," is one of the main characters in my fabulous novel.
This, That, and The Other (March 3, 2004)
THIS: Disneyland slows down the "Mad Teacup Party" spinning cups in the interests of public safety.
THAT: Ride name will be renamed the "Rational Teacup Gathering."THIS: Janet Jackson will not play Lena Horne in TV biopic.THAT: Janet Jackson has been slowed down in the interests of public safety.
Feb Brew Air Eee (Feb.25, 2004)
Say "brew." Altogether, now. Brewwwwwww. Now say "air." Airrrrrrr. Good. Now put them together: "brew-air." Brewwwwwwairrrrrr. Fe-brewwwairrr-y. Excellent. You are cured. You need never again say "Feb-u-ary."
Last Rites for the House of Lou (Feb. 18, 2004)
It was a little house even when it was new, back around 1925. Whitewashed rows of hand-hammered wood planks, with little peeking-eye windows, all in a long rectangle, and a shingled peaked rooftop.
A Band That Made it Very, Very Big  (Feb. 18, 2004)
I wasn't planning to write anything about the 40th anniversary of The Beatles' debut on "The Ed Sullivan Show," as I tend to avoid major anniversaries, and every media outlet in the world is covering the story. But. . .Seeing as I've been writing about them for about 33 years, why stop now?
Keeping Abreast of the Tissue---er, Issue
(Feb. 11, 2004)
It was the breast of times, it was the worst of times.
All right, let's say the bust didn't go bust. Let's say that Justin Timberlake---which must be the funniest name since "Rip Rense"---managed to pull only Janet Jackon's right leather milk-gland sling free, leaving intact the red "bustier" underneath. As allegedly planned.
City Footnotes (Feb. 4, 1004)
You find them everywhere. Blowing down sidewalks, crumpled up in bushes, rumpled and stained in curbside gutters. Bits and pieces of daily lives, discarded or lost, there at your feet. Each one a chapter from a story, somewhere in the middle of a human book. Call them city footnotes. . .CITY FOOTNOTE # 1: TORN APART
LTSEWH (Jan. 28, 2004)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity, or LTSEWH, for um, short. Names and places have been included wherever possible to ensure fullest humiliation of subjects at hand.
May God Bless the Lingo Czar (Jan. 21, 2004)
The Lingo Czar, fresh from several rounds of high colonics and arcane ointment therapies, hereby pronounces himself fit enough for lingo denunciation.
Wondering About Disney Hall
(Jan. 7, 2004)
"Regarding Rip Rense, you have to wonder about the taste of someone who thinks Disney Hall is vulgar and the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion isn't."---Bob Fiore, Los Angeles, in an e-mail to www.laobserved.com. Regarding Bob Fiore, well, Bob, you don't have to wonder about my taste, but you may, if you like. I can think of better ways to spend time, but to each his own.
War on Earth, Bad Will Towards Men (Christmas, 2003)
I heard a Muzak version of the John Lennon/Yoko Ono Christmas carol, "Happy Xmas (War is Over)," the other day, with a rather astonishing alteration. Removed from the song, excised from the arrangement, absent even from the syrupy strings and flatulent horns. . .was the chorus: "War is over if you want it."
Found: One Pair of Ears (Dec. 17, 2003)
I know every note of Beethoven's 6th symphony, the "Pastoral." Nothing in the Pastoral gets past me. It's Pastoral history. I have a 6th sense about it.
All Ficked Up (Dec. 10, 2003)
Ummm! I'm gonna tell! Johnny Kerry said a naughty word! So that's what little Andy Card, White House Chief of Staff, did. He went right to the Big Media Daddies at CNN and he told on that bad, bad Senator!
Love? Not Actually. . .(Dec. 3, 2003)
The movie, "Love, Actually," isn't really about love, actually. Unless, perhaps, you consider the behavior of say, animals with hooves, to constitute "love." Better to have called director Richard Curtis's would-be Christmas valentine, "Rutting, actually." Or how about just "Uhhh! Uhhh!"
A Hill of a Thanksgiving (Nov. 26, 2003)
I've had some memorable Thanksgiving dinners, for reasons good and awful, but none more than the one made by my old man, thirty-eight years ago. As the crow flies. Actually, it was the day after Thanksgiving, but to a kid, this is a fine distinction. Those two days are as stuck together as LaurelandHardy.
Beware the Wheelers! (Nov. 19, 2003)
This past summer was one of the less pleasant I've had in quite some time, thanks largely to the loss of my dear friend, B.C. the cat, so I've been feeling less than effervescent.  Of course, I should have known this would make me prey to The Wheelers.
Quiet! This is a Newsroom!  (Nov. 12, 2003)
I figured out what's wrong with journalism: not enough noise. No, no, I mean it. I had a tour of the San Francisco Chronicle not long ago, and the joint was creepy. Well, the people who work there are perfectly nice and hard-working and all that, but the environment, well. . .
Iraq Around the Clock (Nov. 5, 2003)
Iraq is not the United States.I want to make it into a bumper sticker.To listen to the Bush administration, to read the papers every day, to watch the news. . .you'd think that Iraq is just around the corner from Wisconsin. Or squeezed between Kansas and Nebraska.
This Town is Toast (Oct. 29, 2003)
An old friend from the Midwest dropped me a line, asking "just how bad is it out there?" It gave me pause. I had to stop and think. Hmm. Just how bad is it? Pretty bad!
Tilting at Los Angeles (Oct. 29, 2003)
Don Quixote has put on weight, and switched nationalities. He's Italian, sports a hefty midsection, gray hair, and pencil-thin moustache. But it's him, all right. The windmills are a dead giveaway.
A. Nother Writer (Oct. 23, 2003)
I've hit it big. I've arrived. I've been quoted in The New Yorker. It's in the Sept. 29 issue, in a puff piece---er, I mean, article---with the amazingly banal headline, "Good Vibrations---Frank Gehry's Disney Hall is a musical pleasure palace," by Paul Goldberger. You'll find me right in the first paragraph. Here's the excerpt:

Lake Condoleezza (Oct. 13, 2003)
I can't remember the senator's name. And if I could, I wouldn't dignify him by printing it here. But there he was, addressing the U.S. Senate, holding up a large square of blank white paper.
The Sperminator (Oct. 6, 2003)
I realize that the big story of the day is that the Siegfried and Roy act is on indefinite hold, but I thought I'd chance a few words about the erection. I mean, election. Sorry, I've got Schwarzenegger on the brain---but not in the way you might think.
Random Thoughts on the Election (Oct. 6, 2003)
I'm not worried so much about Governor Schwarzenegger. It's President Schwarzenegger that is keeping me up nights. It's probably keeping him up, too.
Happy Birthday to Us (Sept. 17-Oct. 1)
The Rip Post celebrates its first year anniversary with a retrospective of top columns.
Posting Up. . .(Sept. 10, 2004)
Off the top of my head.  . .*If the government had prepared as well for a terrorism attack as it is preparing for Hurricane Isabel, there would have been no 9/11.*The satellite pictures of Isabel at sea looked like Monet. *Sentencing Tommy Chong to federal prison for running an Internet bong business is like sentencing handgun manufacturers to federal prison.
"Pete" Goes Back To School (Sept. 3, 2003)
My neighbor---call him Pete---is a third-grade teacher at an L.A. magnet school, as predictable as the White Rabbit of "Alice," and about as fastidious. He leaves his West L.A. home every morning at 6 sharp, dressed nattily in tweed coat, bright tie, and Ascot cap.
Queen of Los Angeles (Sept. 3, 2003)
I don't like to write about politics. I had my fill of it as a general assignment reporter for two L.A. dailies years ago, deciding that it's one bottomless can of worms. The names change, the worms stay the same. I am coming, ever so briefly, out of retirement.
Lingo Czar Needs Meds (Aug. 27, 2003)
It's football season (gasp), time for all TV sports commentators to stand up as they call the action, for some strange reason---and time for the Lingo Czar to punt the Lingo pigskin.
Clowning Around (Aug. 13, 2003)
"Handicapping" is a most apt verb for describing the recall election. This thing is crippled. It has one short leg and 135 heads. (Well, 134 1/2, when you count Schwarzenegger.) It is not a circus, as the media customarily says---it is the stuff left behind after the circus leaves.
Transit Troglodytes (Aug. 6. 2003)
I don't often indulge off-color phrases in this column, so be warned: I am making an exception.I hereby invoke a favorite vulgarism for describing people who have tricked themselves into particularly preposterous points of view: "His (or her) head's so far up his ass that it's coming out his mouth again."
Big Trouble in Little Tokyo
(July 23, 2003) Look, I don't know about you, but when I think of    Buddhism, the first thing I think of is jail. Nothing evokes thoughts of incarceration and punishment more than a religion that espouses peace, civility, and understanding.
Chavez Heights (July 16, 2003) It was absolutely thrilling that L.A. Times editor John Carroll upbraided his reporters for allowing leftist slant---or any slant---into newswriting a few weeks back. For those who missed it, Carroll sent a staff memo dissecting a Times article about abortion---exposing its flagrant liberal bias. At one point, the chastened reporter referred to counselors recommended by "pro-lifers" as "so-called counselors."
The Pips Squeak (July 9, 2003) There I was, age 14, meekly strolling the grounds of Venice High School at lunch time. I kept to myself, as I was a new kid at school, guarded and withdrawn. I was shocked when the vice-principal, Mr. Wilbur Van Vleer, motioned in my direction.
Wave That Flag (July 3, 2003) Flags, flags, flags. Heavens to Betsy Ross! Waving from SUV's the size of the Statue of Liberty, hanging (usually incorrectly) from condo balconies, drooping from freshly implanted poles in front lawns, tacked vulgarly behind every huckster televangelist who advocates killing in the name of Jay-zuhs. . .
The LTSEWH Conga (June 25, 2003) Call them "Less Then Satisfying Encounters with Humanity," or LTSEWH for, um, short. Only some of the names are occasionally omitted to spare the particularly wretched from public humiliation.
City Footnotes (June 18, 2003) You find them everywhere. Blowing down sidewalks, crumpled up in bushes, rumpled and stained in curbside gutters. Bits and pieces of daily lives, discarded or lost, there at your feet. Each one a chapter from a story, somewhere in the middle of a human book. Call them city footnotes. . .
Ding Dong School (June 11, 2003) It must be the chairs---that's all I can come up with. Have you seen them? They are grand, plush, high-backed, brown leather affairs. You disappear in them. I'll bet you can swing your legs, like a little kid. I blame the chairs for the Belmont "Learning Center."
Lingo WMD Found! (June 4, 2003) Of all the tons and tons of "weapons of mass destruction" allegedly held by Saddam, authorities have so far found next to nothing. But take heart---the Lingo Czar has ferreted out lots of verbal WMD, further justifying his ongoing attack on rogue Lingo states.
The Silver Stunt (May 28, 2003) National Public Radio's Susan Stamberg called the new Disney Hall, home of the Los Angeles Philharmonic, a "symphony in stainless steel." I say it's more of a concerto grosso. Yes, stainless steel is just what I think about when I hear symphonies.
Proof of Evolution (May 21, 2003) I'm sorry to rile up all the looney "creationists" out there, but I have conclusive evidence that human beings were descended from apes. And it hasn't been much of a descent, either. The proof: all L.A. transit officials. They're the missing link.
LTSEWH and crackers (May 14, 2003)
Call them "Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity," or LTSEWH for, um, short. Only some of the names are occasionally omitted to spare the particularly wretched from public humiliation.
Return to Subersive Sender (May 7, 2003)
Call me "Chemical Ripi." Orensa bin-Laden. Mohammad Said-Riposte, mother of all propaganda ministers. Infidel cyber-bellies will roast on the white-hot spits of hell! Ptui! Think I'm kidding? You see, a package I mailed has been returned to me, for security reasons. There is a "no airplanes" sticker on it. . .
B.C. and me (Apr. 30, 2003)
He was sitting on a butcher block dining table, staring with great yellow-green owl eyes at the stranger who had just invaded his little world. What, he obviously wondered, was this creature who spoke in a gentle, friendly voice, "Oh, he's beautiful!"?
The Big Picture (Apr. 23, 2003)
Daniel Schorr implied in a recent NPR commentary that the Iraq Attack has psyched out the other team; that the "axis of evil"---Iran, and North Korea---and that "rogue nation" debutante, Syria, have shown signs of compromise. To wit:
Journalistic Untidiness (Apr. 17, 2003)
All those reporters! All that "embedding!" All that cooperation from the military!And still those liberal ingrate scribblers dared to report unpleasantries from Iraq.  Can't trust 'em!
Lingo Liberation (Apr. 10, 2003)
Now that the "war" in Iraq is settling into "liberation" (read: social-political chaos), and all is blight with the world, the Lingo Czar must resume repulsing all  invaders hell-bent on conquering Lingo Land, and subverting its resources in the name of "liberating" the language.
Tale of Two E-Mails (Apr. 3, 2003)
It was the best of e-mail, it was the worst of e-mail. . .
"It might please you to know that you may have converted a registered Republican." The first e-mail was from one "Lisa," who announced that reading The Rip Post had changed her mind about the Bush administration.
De-Flagging Incidents (March 26, 2003)
Lots of funny things have been going on with the flag lately. Over in Iraq, an American soldier raised a stars-and-stripes over some conquered territory last week. You could almost hear Rumsfeld screaming from Washington, "No---take it down