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1/1/03 *Maybe this coming year will be the year that everyone stops yelling "Wooooooooo!" to indicate approval. *Probably not. *Maybe this coming year will be the year that Michael Jackson entirely jumps species. *If I were a goofy dictator with a bad Elvis pompidour, tyrannizing my starving Third World country, and the biggest superpower on the planet had called me "evil," I would rev up my nuclear weapons program, too. *Rumsfeld talking about fighting both Iraq and Korea reminds me of the Cowardly Lion saying "I'll fight' em with one paw tied behind my baaaack!" *Tortilla and potato chips are still leading the salty snack race, although puffed snacks are enjoying a newfound popularity. *I wonder how much of the $31.5 million that lottery winner is giving to the Church of God will go to save dying mothers and children in Africa. *Best lyric of the year: "Universe at play inside our DNA/ You're a billion years old today," from "Rising Sun," by George Harrison. *Worst lyric of the year: "Babayyy baby baby baby," from almost every other song. *The economy can tank all it wants---this administration's popularity will remain. People don't vote their pocketbooks when they are afraid of a terrorist attack. *The government excels at keeping people afraid of a terrorist attack. *Maybe this coming year will be the year that everyone stops saying "tank." *Probably not. *The acting in the "Lord of the Rings" movies, except for Ian McKellan and Christopher Lee, has all the depth of a "Hallmark Hall of Fame." *Why does music always sound better when it rains? *Best Blow Struck in the War on Terrorism: McDonald's closes 175 franchises in the Middle East and Latin America! *That's 175 fewer reasons for the rest of the world to hate us. *The synthesized noises used in "action" films are the ugliest and most deeply disturbing sounds to enter human ears since Krakatoa and Hiroshima. Maybe worse. *If I were a goofy dictator with a Groucho Marx moustache, tyrannizing my starving Third World country, and the biggest superpower on earth was planning to wipe me out, I would play lots of games, too. *"Misunderstanding all you see." *At least the World Series was good. *Condoleeza Rice as presidential material is very clever thinking. Another puppet, and get the black and women vote, too. *Rice might be smart, but I wouldn't leeza condo from her. *Bet she's never heard that one before. *Al Gore was too earnest to survive. The press doesn't understand earnestness anymore. *Concience-less, amoral capitalistic exploitation of society is a vast and underestimated tyranny. *Somehow, I think the absence of Chick Hearn has something to do with the Lakers' losing streak. *The new Laker play-by-play guy doesn't do enough play-by-play. *Human cloning is hardly surprising, given that cloning is the prevailing trend in movies, books, and popular music. *I don't ever recall such truculence and bellicosity from this government. *I don't ever recall such truculence and bellicosity from any government outside of Kruschev's Russia and Mao's China. *Movie previews look like the inside of a psychotic's head. *Nicole Kidman still looks good with a big putty nose. *Best Blow Struck in the War on Animal Cruelty: McDonald's closes 175 franchises in the Middle East and Latin America! *I'm really tired of pundits. *There is a difference between cynicism and nastiness. *Why do 90 percent of movie previews begin with that gravel-voiced jerk saying, "In a world. . ."? *How long, I wonder, before people realize how silly they sound when they say, "That said. . ." *Out-of-control conservatism is fascism. Out-of-control liberalism is runaway compassion. *Recorded music has not been loud for years. It is well into the realm of physical assault. *"The Quiet American," which will be nominated for nothing, was easily the best picture of the year. Fine storytelling, complex psycholigical undercurrents, great acting, important history lesson. *Is anyone else bothered by all the sickeningly amplified noises of lip-smacking during kissing scenes? *Any time you hear a pop culture mogul say "We're just giving the people what they want," it's a lie. They are giving the people what they will respond to, which is different. *Why do people keep sending money to multi-millionaire televangelists? *Best new refreshment: boba tea. *I understand all that stuff about Saddam Hussein's "Baby Milk Factory" once allegedly housing chemical weapons, but I don't think this justifies airport security goons groping pregnant women's breasts. *The pulsing bass from passing vehicles is a weapon of terror. *What's so implausible about humans being the result of genetic engineering by long-gone extra-terrestrials? *I mean, look at Rudy Giuliani. *Giuliani is making a bundle by giving speeches about 9/11. Something like $100 grand a pop. Does no one else find this colossally obscene? *I'm awfully tired of seeing crosses in close proximity to Old Glories. *Every elected official who has voted down light-rail citywide transit in L.A. in the last 40 years---instead suggesting more freeways and buses---should be brought up on charges of manslaughter and mayhem. *Look for Dr. Laura to start a whole new career as a born-again Nice Person. *"The Prisoner" is still the most creative television series ever made. *Best Blow Struck Against Obesity, Heart Disease, Diabetes, Artherosclerosis: McDonald's closes 175 franchises in the Middle East and Latin America! *Antibiotics are so nasty that sometimes you'd just rather stay sick. *The recent Bond movie embodied pretty much everything objectionable about modern society: vapidity, venality, egomania, sex-obsession, hypertrophic violence, environmental destruction, lowbrow innuendo. *The audiences loved it. *Does anything say self-importance better than cigarette smoking? *Maybe this coming year will be the year that people stop saying "(fill in the blank) rocks!" *Probably not. *Dr. Phil is wrong. *There used to be a time when the United States did not export awful popular culture all over the world. *"Keep your head upon your neck, it's not too late for that/ even though the winds of change have blown away your hat." *Somehow, I don't think anyone will ever be nostalgic for 2002. *David Letterman is still funny. |
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