THIS, THAT, AND THE OTHER

THIS: Disneyland slows down the "Mad Teacup Party" spinning cups in the interests of public safety.

THAT: Ride name will be renamed the "Rational Teacup Gathering."

THIS: Janet Jackson will not play Lena Horne in TV biopic.

THAT: Janet Jackson has been slowed down in the interests of public safety.

THIS: The Jesus contingent says that Gibson's bloodbath flick demonstrates the pain of the sacrifice that Jesus made for his beliefs.

THAT: I believe there are several million men and women who died for their beliefs in 20th century world wars. A great many of them experienced greater pain than Hay-zoos, in the process.

THE OTHER: Using the Jesus contingent's logic, it follows that if Hay-zoos had been done in painlessly by, say, lethal injection---or maybe one good club wallop ---his sacrifice would have been much less impressive.

THIS: "Get Bush Out," says Howard Stern.

THAT: The tragedy of Howard Stern is that he relies on low-common-denominator fare for ratings, when he is a bright and clever humorist. But not even "Butt Bongo" is lower and more common---or more obscene---than a Republican/"Christian" backed effort (read: Clear Channel) to control popular culture.

THIS: Mr. and Mr. Rosie O' Donnell.

THAT: Gay marriage, abortion rights, prayer in schools, and most things that are considered to be major issues in this country are preoccupations of people who have too much to eat, and too many pairs of comfortable shoes.

THIS: The governor says he would support a gay marriage law if it were passed by the people of the state.

THAT: News item: Schwarzenegger has been recently seen socializing with Gray Davis.

THIS: McDonald's eliminates "supersize" orders.

THAT: Supersize that.

THIS: Annie Lennox wins for "best song" at the Academy Awards for one of those Enya-esque wailing melodramas about seeing things on the horizon, or something.

THAT: Lennox's anguished yowl had nothing on the inventiveness, wit, infectiousness, charm, and hilarity of "Belleville Rendez-vous," by Benoit Charest and Sylvain Chomet from "The Triplets of Belleville."

THIS: Bush, Cheney, Rice have limited their participation in the 9/11 investigation. Bush and Cheney are restricting access, cutting interview time, and Rice won't testify publically.

THAT: Gee, that sure doesn't look incriminating, does it?

THIS: Bush calls for "privatizing" Social Security, and Greenspan calls for cutting it.

THAT: This is partly fueled by this regime's utter hatred of anything relating to "the sixties," from environmental concerns to abortion rights. "Stick it to the spoiled hippie baby-boomers" is part of the mentality behind all policies of the Bushcheney cabal.

THIS: "Lord of the Rings" ties "Ben-Hur" and (cough) "Titanic" for most Oscars.

THAT: How is it that not one of the "Lord" Oscar winners so much as mentioned the name of a single cast member?

THE OTHER: Smeegle doesn't like this.

THIS: Charlize Theron (is that some kind of tumor?) wins the Academy Award for gaining weight, shaving her eyebrows off, and chewing scenery. Halle Berry (is that a seasonal fruit?) won the Academy Award last year for abandoning make-up, taking her clothes off, and chewing scenery.

THAT: If you're a woman and you want to win, you either have to get naked or get ugly. Or both.

THE OTHER: Smeegle doesn't like this, either.

THIS: Kobe Bryant's attorneys claim that the alleged victim in the sexual assault case had sex with two of the witnesses, and had sex a few hours after allegedly being raped by Bryant. Various rights groups are up in arms, claiming that the woman's sexual activity is irrelevant to the case.

THAT: If this evidence is not admitted, Bryant becomes the rape victim.

THIS: Women wonder if it was worth the effort to report Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's habitual lewd conduct, since The Sperminator decided not to investigate himself, and no one seems to care anymore.

THAT: Well, at least the stress seems to have turned the governor's hair and eyebrows orange.

THIS: "This is unbelievable," "This is amazing," "This is incredible" were babbled giddily and goofily by the majority of Oscar winners, who then proceeded to recite interminable lists of names of people you don't know.

THAT: Two words: valium enema.

THIS: The Dodgers pay a washed-up, cigarette-sucking back-up catcher $6.5 million. They owe pitcher Darren Dreifort, who has spent most of his career having surgery (seven, at last count) $12 million this year, and $13 million in 2005. They refused to grant Cy Young Award-winning relief marvel Eric Gagne's modest request of $7.5 million.

THAT: See you next year.

THIS: Michael Eisner will likely resign as chairman of the board of Disney.

THAT: Now it's time to say goodbye to all our com. . .pa. . .ny. . .

THIS: Sofia Coppola won the Academy Award for best original screenplay for a nice little movie with protracted student-film-quality montages of Tokyo at night, in which Bill Murray is repeatedly allowed to vamp.

THAT: I respect Sofia Coppola, most of all for the fact that she never succumbed to the pressure to have a nose job.

THIS: Bush says he is pro-environment, winning the "war on terrorism," saving Social Security, creating jobs, and cutting taxes for the average working American citizen.

THAT: Good rule of thumb for listening to Bush speeches: assume the opposite of all statements.

THE OTHER:  I respect Bush most of all for not succumbing to the pressure to have a nose job.

THIS: The new Dodger owner, Frank McCourt, who "bought" the team with money loaned by the previous owner, the Fox Corporation, says he will not tear down the stadium in order to exploit valuable Chavez Ravine real estate.

THAT: Good rule of thumb for listening to McCourt: assume the opposite of all statements.

THIS: Proposition 57 wins handily. Funny they couldn't come up with a solution other than borrowing (gasp) $15 billion.

THAT: Next time tax booze, cigarettes, SUVs, tattoos, lattes, body-piercing, and use of the word, "cool."

THIS: It is unlikely that theaters will revive the grand tradition of the double-bill.

THAT: If they do, how about: "The Passion of the Christ" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

THIS: John Kerry, after winning most of "Super Tuesday," said "Oh, boy, wait till they see the fire in my belly."

THAT: Oh, boy, I don't want to see anything that has anything to do with your belly.

THIS: Rover proves that Mars was once covered with water, suggesting that life might have thrived there.

THAT: Only the biggest discovery in human history, that's all, and it was (ho-hum) at the bottom of page one of the L.A. Times.

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