by RIP RENSE
THIS, THAT, AND THE
OTHER. . .
(May 4, 2005)
THIS: L.A. Mayor James Hahn attacks mayoral candidate Antonio “Little
Anthony” Villaraigosa for questionable fundraising. Villaraigosa attacks
Hahn for. . .questionable fundraising.
THAT: What candidate in the country is not subject to charges of
THE OTHER: Maybe I’m the only one who noticed, but there seem to have
been a lot of shootings on freeways lately.
THIS: Chief of Police William J. Bratton called public fear of being
shot to death on the freeway “perception, not reality.”
THAT: There are four people who would argue with that perception,
except that they have been really, really shot and killed on freeways.
THE OTHER: Bratton’s inspiring leadership is almost as captivating as
EXTRA: SKID ROW BLUES,
by Paul Weeks CLICK HERE
THIS: “First Lady” Laura Bush made
some jokes at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner the other night. Here
is one: “I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that
first year, when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male
THAT: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the “First Lady” (can’t type that
without quotation marks) actually made a “joke” about the “President” (need
quotes there, too) of the United States performing a sex act on a horse.
THE OTHER: First Lady? Of a trailer park, maybe.
THIS: On the other hand, Riposte once heard Prince Philip say “I
should think they’re gearing up for big gang-bang about now,” while viewing
a cage full of apes at the San Diego Zoo.
THAT: Still, Philip is known for his interest in zoology, and it
was mating season.
THE OTHER: The extent of Laura Bush’s interest in zoology is not
known, but it isn’t surprising that it somehow would involve her husband.
THIS: Hahn never points out that most of the big money and corporate
interests have lined up behind Little Anthony. Dick Riordan’s endorsement
alone should be enough to keep Villaraigosa from being elected.
THAT: On the other hand, maybe most people in L.A. really like
monumental density, the razing of lovely old neighborhoods in favor of
hideous condo hives, and every single street in town lined at all times with
a festive array of parked cars.
THIS: The redoubtable obit writer for the L.A. Times, Myrna Oliver,
was right on top the situation in writing of the passing of George “Little
Oscar” Molchan in Monday’s paper.
THAT: A memo exchange between Oliver and editor(s) explored the best
way to refer to dwarves/midgets/little people: “According to the Little
People of America website, the term midget can be offensive while dwarf is
OK. -Myrna Note on Sun24: I ran terminology by Melissa McCoy and Clark
Stevens (editors who oversee copy desks and language style of the Times) who
say midget is a small person of normal proportions; dwarf is a small person
with enlarged head, shortened limbs, other disproportionate shape. Clark sez
‘Little People’ sounds ‘precious.’”
THE OTHER: Oliver’s obit apparently solved the little problem by not
using any of the terms (except in reference to the Little People of
THIS: The obit did make mention of Munchkins, leprauchans, elves, who
cannot defend themselves due to probable lack of existence.
THAT: One wonders, though, if the late Little Oscar would have
enjoyed Oliver’s lead: “The little man stood only 10 hot dogs high.”
THE OTHER: Would that be ten Hebrew Nationals or Dodger Dogs? Did
Oliver go to the Times test kitchen and make a careful study?
THIS: News item: an Ohio Army recruiter signed up a guy fresh from a
three-week stint in a psychiatric ward. The 21-year-old, diagnosed with
bipolar disorder, later had his enlistment cancelled.
THAT: Another recruiter said he has been bending or breaking
enlistment rules for months, hiding police records and medical histories of
THE OTHER: Be as insane as you can be. . .in the arrrrrr. . . my!
THIS: Explorer Pen Hadow has vowed to continue his adventures after
becoming the first Briton to trek to both the geographic North and South
Poles without outside help.
THAT: Bipolar disorder.
THIS: Up to one in 100 adults in the workplace is a psychopath, say
Robert D. Hare, Ph.D. and Paul Babiak, Ph.D., authors of the
in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work." Psychopaths, they also note,
comprise as much as a quarter of the prison population.
THAT: A whole new recruitment pool for the Army!
THE OTHER: Maybe this explains what's happened to the L.A.
THIS: Riposte once spoke to Times obit specialist Oliver, in 1990,
when he tried to get a brief mention into the paper about the passing of
THAT: Ms. Oliver responded, "Not everyone can have an obituary in the
Los Angeles Times."
THE OTHER: Wonder how many hot dogs make up Ms. Oliver.
THIS: Another joke from that wit Laura Bush: “People often wonder
what my mother-in-law's really like. People think she's a sweet,
grandmotherly, Aunt Bea type. She's actually more like, mmm, Don Corleone."
THAT: The only funny thing about that statement is that it is true.
THIS: Little Oscar once threw a Wiener Whistle to Riposte, during a
parade at the Costa Mesa Fish Fry in 1958.
THAT: Little Oscar was, of course, in the Wienermobile, which was the
singlemost impressive thing Riposte had seen up to that moment. This, of
course, was before puberty.
THE OTHER: That was a line worthy of Laura Bush.
THIS: Little Anthony is touting better transportation as one of his
many little mayoral campaign promises. A few weeks ago, he spoke of a subway
extending the Red Line from North Hollywood to Sylmar.
THAT: The Red Line subway cost $300 million per mile ten years ago.
THE OTHER: Perhaps Little Anthony’s campaign contributions need to be
questioned, after all.
THIS: A subway to Sylmar? The old Pacific Electric Line ran
east-west across the Valley, making it accessible to all Valley
residents with a short drive or a bus ride.
THAT: Of course, a north-south subway through North Hollywood, Van
Nuys, and Sylmar---ignoring over half the Valley---would be very convenient
for lots of gang members.
THE OTHER: Maybe that’s Little Anthony’s reasoning: get the gangs out
of their Monte Carlos and into the Red Line, so as to reduce the number of
drive-by and freeway murders.
THIS: Cream reunited for four concerts for the first time since 1968
(minus a brief Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame performance) and New York Times
critic Jon Pareles called it “underwhelming.”
THAT: Perhaps Pareles needs a ride on the Harbor Freeway.
THIS: L.A. freeways lately have had lighter traffic, and motorists
have been just astoundingly polite, leaving lots and lots of space between
cars and hardly doing any cutting in front of one another.
THAT: Maybe if the CHP just shot people instead of issuing tickets,
driving in L.A. would be this nice all the time.
THIS: Bush says his “means-adjusted” Social Security plan would give
priority to those who most need the money.
THAT: Can you say “welfare?”
THE OTHER: Mr. “President,” there is a job opening in the
THIS: Hardly any neighborhood in Southern California is free of
gangs, or evidence of gang activity. The city lives in fear.
THAT: Declare all baggy attire, oversized white T-shirts, tattoos,
and shaved heads a felony with instant $10,000 fine.
THE OTHER: Of course, this should be done for fashion reasons alone.
THIS: Schwarzenegger’s popularity plummets after he idiotically
labels nurses, teachers, and firefighters as “special interests.”
THAT: Schwarzenegger’s performance as governor has proved one thing
beyond doubt: Maria Shriver has to be really, really dumb.
THE OTHER: Schwarzenegger stands
just twenty hot dogs high.
THIS: Edward von Kloberg III jumped to his death the other day, from
a castle in Rome.
THAT: Kloberg spent his life doing public relations to boost the
images of Saddam Hussein, Nicolae Ceausescu, the military regime in Burma,
Guatemalan businessmen who supported the country’s death squads, and other
THE OTHER: Too bad. Bush could have used him.
THIS: Buried on page three, section two of the L.A. Times last week
was a very brief story about “First Lady” Laura Bush making a very brief
stop at Father Gregory Boyle’s fabulous Homeboy Industries in Boyle
Heights---probably the only viable means that reluctant gang members have of
re-entering a non-criminal existence.
THAT: Laura stopped in for her quickie photo-op at Homeboy after
spending a few hours sipping champagne with the hoi polloi in Beverly Hills.
THE OTHER: Let them eat pan dulce.
THIS: The imperious Little Anthony
recently lamely declared that he is still that little boy shining shoes on
7th and Broadway.
THAT: This might be the most truthful thing he has said in his entire
THE OTHER: Little Anthony stands 12.1 hot dogs high.
THIS: Statement from a war correspondent: "I had come to despise
and be revolted by war clear out of any logical proportion. I couldn't find
the Four Freedoms among the dead men. Personal weariness became a forest
that shut off my view of events about me. I was no longer seeing the little
things that you at home want to know about the soldiers."
THAT: The words of one of our valiant "embedded" reporters in
Iraq? Who dutifully report the daily body count and all the propaganda from
Bush and Cheney?
THE OTHER: Not quite. Try Ernie Pyle in WWII. Ernie stood many
hot dogs higher than 99.9 percent of today's correspondents in Iraq.
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