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(April 11, 2006)

         There is no danger of the Bush administration using nuclear weapons against Iran, or any other country.
          Nookulur weapons, on the other hand. . .
          Yes, President “Vice-President” Dick Cheney and “President” George W. Bush would really love to bust some bunkers over there, using nookulur boom-booms. They are like kids with firecrackers, looking for a match. Doubt it?
          Then why build nookulur bombs and give them such cutesy-pie little names as “bunker busters?” Sounds like the 4th of July, doesn’t it? I’ll have a Piccolo Pete, and a Red-White-and-Blue Fountain, and a Roman Candle, and a couple o’ them Bunker Busters!
          Oh, they want to convince you that a Bunker Buster is the only way to “take out” whatever Iran nookulur facilities there are, because they are 75 feet under a layer of solid rock. You know, like Dick Cheney’s house.
          By the way, with all the constant talk by pundits, Bush people, and TeeVee Anchormannequins of “taking out” stuff in Iran, you’d think we’re talking about Chinese food here.
          Yeah, Bush people. We’d be better off with real Bush People in the White House.
          Well, what they won’t tell you, of course, is that Iran is a good ten years away from building a nookulur warhead, and a few more for a nookulur Bunker Buster. (That is, unless the nooks that supposedly disappeared from that B-52 on Cheney’s watch in ’91 are already there. And if that’s the case, then, to use the parlance of the peasantry, we’re screwed anyway.)
          What they will tell you, however, is that a hell of a lot of Iran does not like its president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, which I think is pronounced Almondjoyad. And they will compare him to Hitler, which is one of their favorite delusionary Neocon/Israel shill pastimes. And they will tell you that bombing the kabob out of the place will cause the people to rise up and effect “regime change.”
          I think they might be right about that last point, but have the wrong country in mind. I think if we bomb Iran, nuke or otherwise, it might finally bring about regime change in D.C. (read: impeachment) where it is much more badly needed.
          No, no, I realize that Almondjoyad is not a nice boy. I realize that denying “the” Holocaust (there have been many throughout history) is sheer insanity, let alone unlikely to win a world leader a tea party with Condoleezza Rice. I realize that threatening to “wipe Israel off the map" is not going to endear you to the Mossad.
          But that’s the thing, Almondjoyad likes the attention, likes press. Just like Bin-laden, Al-Sawahiri, Al-Qaeda, and Al Sharpton---they just want to stir things up. The more bellicose the Bush, the more kicks and recruits for terrorists and martinet kooks.
          But let’s imagine, just for fun, what really happens when “we” even conventionally bomb Iran, which seems to be planned for sometime around Hallowe'en (trick or treat!). The country rises up and demands “regime change?”
          Who writes this stuff, Jon Stewart?
          History 101: attack a country, and that country---
          A) Unites behind its leader.
          B) Unites behind its leader.
          C) Unites behind its leader.
          D) All of the above.
          If you picked “D,” you’re right, but probably not right-wing.
          Bust a nookulur Bunker Buster move, and, well. . .you think the world is a little upset with the USA now?
          If Uncle Sam lights up a nuke and maybe murders a hundred thousand Iranians, as that “irresponsible journalist” Seymour Hersh reported is under consideration, protests on a scale never seen or imagined will light up every major city on the planet. In fact, they might light them up literally.
          Stateside, the protests would also be hefty, though probably not as great as Europe or Asia or Australia, given that the U.S. is so comprised of good churchgoing folk who believe that Bunker Busters might be the high-sign to Jesus. You know, like Paul Revere’s lanterns.
          Still, one likely development of Bush going nuke would be that the fringe leftist anarchist element in this country would turn violent. No matter! All part of the Neocon Grand Plan to crush all opposition. This is why the administration and Pentagon have been spying on peace groups and vegans, and raping your Constitutional rights, and building “detainee” camps right within our borders. (And you thought they were for bird flu quarantines and natural disasters, didn’t you. . .)
          Guess what else. C'mon, guess! Right! We are already the most hated nation on the planet, but the rest of the world still sells to us on credit. Can you say. . .bad checks? The world calls in our debts (how many trillions?), and bingo! Bread lines that make the 30’s look like a July afternoon by the sea. Uncle Sam will need kneepads.
          Of course, all the recent nookulur headlines have the administration furiously backpedaling, claiming there are no nookulur plans to nook anybody, and that Seymour Hersh is a nooklehead “irresponsible journalist.”
          But it’s a funny thing---this irresponsibile journalist just talked to lots of irresponsible military people, and lots of irresponsible people in the State Department, and they all irresponsibly told him irresponsible things about how Bush and Cheney are thinking about going nookulur, and so he irresponsibly reported it. What else could he irresponsibly do? And here I thought this was the height of responsible journalism---sounding the alarm that the government is scaring the gravitas right out of lots of generals and White House officials with this nuke stuff---but, well, all those responsible people in the Bush administration know better.
          And boy, are they responsible!
          They are responsible, oh, just off the top of my head, for: bankrupting the country and putting it in hock to China and Saudi Arabia; leaking false information to the New York Times and calling it “declassifying”; deliberately outing a CIA agent expert in Weapons of Mass Destruction because she wasn’t playing ball; deliberately sliming her ambassador husband when he complained about it, and also complained that the administration was falsifying the case for war with Iraq; looking the other way as a hurricane wipes out New Orleans, then doing next to nothing to clean up and rebuild; probably looking the other way and letting 9/11 happen in order to get this country to unite behind a leader (see above); making it policy to destroy pollution regulation in favor of corporate profiteering; making really corny speeches; and oh yeah, invading a country that posed no threat to the USA, on false pretenses. . .
          Now that’s responsibility!
          But never mind, because President Cheney and “President” Bush are going to continue doing exactly as they please. They don’t care about massively negative opinion polls, or reelection. They don’t care about breaking laws, dismantling Constitutional principles, stepping on your rights, and lying every time they speak. And they sure as hell don't care about pronouncing "nuclear" correctly. Don't matter how ya say it---it's how ya drop it!.
         They are, as Hersh's article noted, “messianic.” They are on a mission from Gawd, to spread the pig-eyed nookulur gospel of George W. Bush in the name of demockery---er, democracy. And, as Bush keeps saying, to “proteck are ally, Israel,” which is kind of funny because Israel has a lot of nookulur bombs of its own. (Which is---full marks!---why Iran wants some, too.)
          Oh, and never mind that the first small country to use a nuke automatically gets wiped out, which so far has been just a wee bit of a deterrent to using them.
          And never mind that international sanctions sponsored by the UN absolutely destroyed the infrastructure, military, and WMD/nuke program of Iraq.
          Right, no one mentions that anymore, do they?

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