by RIP RENSE
Oct. 6, 2003
"I was always dreaming of very
powerful people, dictators and things like that."---Arnold Schwarzenegger in
I realize that the big story
of the day is that the
Siegfried and Roy act is on indefinite hold, but I thought I'd chance a few words about
I mean, election. Sorry, I've got
Schwarzenegger on the brain---but not in the way you might think. Sex is not the problem
here. It's certainly not Arnold's problem, as he obviously has enjoyed lots and lots of
sex with lots and lots of women, and probably still does. Collie-fawnia, heah I come!
The problem here is that, as
a friend of mine put it, the recall---with its headlines about Hitler, and the astounding
vulgarities attributed to Schwarzenegger---is
like something out of "South Park." To which I added: "Nope. 'South
Park'" is more realistic."
I mean, what sane person would whisper the
following sweet nothing into his intended beloved's ear:
"Have you ever had a man slide his tongue
in your (anus)?"
According to the L.A. Times, Schwarzenegger
said this to young lady he was trying to impress.
I don't know about you, but I always found that
a nice bouquet, or dinner and a movie, were the way to a woman's heart. Somehow, Arnold's
line seems just a little too forward, don't you think? Call me old-fashioned, but I
suspect that one or two women out there might not really enjoy the idea of analingus.
What? I'm too off-color for you?
Sorry, but it isn't me---it's the election. Analingus is an election issue this year. (And
let's not forget its proud political history. Thanks to that Christian Soldier Kenneth
Starr, official U.S. government records will forever contain the information that Monica peformed this maneuver on our former President. On second thought, let's do forget that.)
Well, I always knew politics involved a lot of
Since sex is the number-one election issue in
this recall, let me say first and foremost that I approve of sex. Schwarzenegger is
missing a bet here. He should just make it central to his platform. Instead of promising
"fabulous jobs" for everyone in California, he should have promised
fabulous. . .well, you get the idea. Gray Davis would have been tarred and feathered long ago.
Look, the problem with electing
Mr. Analingus---I mean, Mr. Universe---isn't his fondness for sex, or cheating on his
wife, or groping every waitress, starlet, movie-set secretary and masseuse he meets, or
the gangbangs he enjoyed in his frivolous youth.
It's not the sex, it's the assault and
assertion of power at issue. Laughing at my "politically correct?" stance, are
you? Then ask yourself this, male readers: when you meet a woman for the first time, do
you shake hands? Yes, I do, too! I don't clamp on to her hind with
both hands, under her skirt, for twenty or thirty seconds, and say things
like "you've got a nice
ahss." As much as I might enjoy that. And neither do you, right?
We're just too darned reserved.
But not Schwarzenegger.
He's made it his m.o. for picking up chicks. This, and, oh, allegedly hiking up
their shirts in public if he thinks there is no bra hiding undernearth. .
.inviting a waitress to insert a finger into her vagina, and then bring it
back to him to
sniff. (I'm not making this up, and neither is the L.A. Times.)
Pretty creative stuff, Arnie! And
here I once tried to impress a woman by talking about Beethoven. Pffft.
Faithful readers, if you are among the
grinning, star-struck "Join Arnold" zombies who dismiss these claims, and smugly
proclaim that the L.A. Times is "out to get" Schwarzenegger, then I hope you
enjoy voting for Mr. Analingus---especially those of you with daughters.
But I must explain something to you: the Times researched its Schwarzenegger story
daily for two months, with
several reporters. For every claim, there is a corroboration by a witness. What's more,
The Times was equally "out to get" Davis, Bustamente, Huffington,
McClintock---having published other news stories (not commentaries) about every major
candidate---containing extremely unflattering information. Consider:
*The Times X-rayed Bustamente's stupidly
titled "Tough Love for California" plan, and relentlessly covered his sly
attempt to use more Indian "gaming" donations in his campaign than allowed---and
all the wind went right out of that bag.
*The Times reported Huffington's $10,000 tax
deduction for cosmetics, her nearly nil income tax payments, and the fact that the
anti-lobbyist candidate hired as her campaign manager a. . .tobacco lobbyist. This took
the Huff out of Huffington.
*The Times has reported Davis's travails
extensively in Sunday paper front page stories, and well, we know how popular he is.
Fact is, neither Bustamente nor Huffington nor
Davis nor McClintock are movie stars trying to get elected---movie stars with zero
background in politics, and with legendary reputations for sexual hijinks.
This is not only a legitimate issue---it warrants careful investigation. To repeat: not
necessarily because of the sex, although serial philandering is legitimate
issue, but because of the assault aspect.
So Darn those other candidates for not having
allegations of sexual harassment to investigate! Darn that Schwarzenegger for not having
any political substance to investigate!
Touching another person in sexual fashion
without invitation is sexual battery. It is not "rowdy," to borrow
Schwarzenegger's excuse. It is not "playful." It is beast-like.
Ask yourself: if a stranger grabbed any part of your body in a sexual manner
without permission, what would you call it?
It simply reflects Schwarzenegger's whole
agenda in life: the arrogant, hyper-aggressive, bullying pursuit of power. From the despicable,
demoralizing practical jokes he played on his Mr. Universe competitors in the '70s to
muscling his way into movies to marrying a Kennedy, the man craves power.
What other kind of person smokes $500 cigars?
Which brings up Hitler. Arnold
is right---Adolf was a hell of a public speaker. He mesmerized the masses with vague
promises of glory and riches. He was about as specific in his outline for a better Germany
as Schwarzenegger is specific in his outline for a better Collie-fawnia.
And that, really, is the most important thing
to bear in mind when you vote: Schwarzenegger has offered no specifics for fixing
California. He has no magic plan, he has no experience, he has no ability to
do anything other than mesmerize the masses. He is an egomaniacal front man
for the extremist right-wing reactionary rich and powerful. You know, the
not-so-compassionate conservatives. This is an attempt to buy the state, by
propping up a popular movie star as a candidate.
The cynicism and flagrant cunning of
it all is a far greater obscenity than
any ever imagined by Mr. Analingus.
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