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(Nov. 16, 2006)


THAT: Headline,“Evangelical Group Motto: Breed to Succeed.”

THE OTHER: More secret coded messages from Bush to Christians?

THIS: Democrats control House and Senate. Rumsfeld is fired, brought up on charges of torture in Germany.

THAT: News item: accident on Golden State Freeway sends frozen pig carcasses flying.

THIS: Condolleeezzzza Rice at a recent press conference: "I don't think that there are any magic bullets about Iraq. This is a complicated case -- or silver bullets, I guess, is the right phrase."

THAT: Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, now it turns out there are werewolves in Iraq.

THIS: Latest redesign gimmick of L.A. Times is to increase the size of the “Los Angeles Times” masthead.

THAT: News item: “Man Injured While Launching Firework From His Bottom.”

THE OTHER: One less candidate for the LAT brain trust.

THIS: Rudy Giuliani, a man who was hailed as a great American hero for looking into a TV camera after 9/11 and saying a few encouraging words, has compared President Bush to Winston Churchill.

THAT: "President" Bush compared Saddam Hussein to Adolf Hitler. Churchill would have choked on his cigar over that one.

THIS: CNN’s Glenn Beck asks Rep.-elect Keith Ellison (D-Minn.), who is a Muslim, to explain why he is not an enemy of the USA.

THAT: Muslims object to Apple Computer promoting new 5th Avenue NYC store as the “Apple Mecca.”

THE OTHER: “You can't run a country by a book of religion/ not by a heap or a lump or a smidgeon/ of foolish rules of ancient date/ designed to make you all feel great/ while you fold, spindle and mutilate/ those unbelievers from a neighboring state. . .”---Frank Zappa.

THIS: A recent poll found that one-third of all U.S. citizens believe that Israel must control Jerusalem in order for Jesus Christ to be happy enough to come roaring down from heaven.

THAT: News item: scientists announce that humans once interbred with Neanderthals.

THIS: Presidential aspirant John McCain calls for sending 20,000 more troops to Iraq.

THAT: News item: “Carbon Emissions Out of Control.”

THIS: In a royalty dispute over the Procol Harum classic, “Whiter Shade of Pale,” the original organist, Matthew Fisher, claims he is a co-writer of the song.

THAT: Fisher bases this claim on the distinctive organ part that he contributed to the plaintive tune.

THE OTHER: An organ part that is based on Bach’s “Air for a G-String” and “Sleepers Awake.”

THIS: The fact that humans mated with Neanderthals has raised the issue of whether they also were able to interbreed with more distant ape-like relatives.

THAT: Two words: Larry King.

THIS: After the Repugnicans lost control of the House and Senate to Democraps, Condollleeeezzza Rice announced that this was a clear indication that people “were not voting for anything less than success in Iraq.”

THAT: This was on Nov. 10, the day after “National Cliché Day.”

THE OTHER: Condi celebrates whenever she pleases.

THIS: Many Christians cite many Bible passages suggesting that homosexuality is an “abomination.”

THAT: Leviticus 11:9-12 reads, in part, “These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat. And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you.”

THE OTHER: In other words, God apparently hates shrimp.

THIS: L.A. Times staff writer (formerly “reporter”) Sam Quinones wrote a letter to the latest new publisher of the goofy newspaper, David D. Hiller. In the letter, Quinones sought to give Hiller the startling news that L.A. is multi-cultural. (Perhaps Quinones does not know that Hiller’s city, a distant land called Chicago, is also multi-cultural.)

THAT: Quinones wrote that L.A. contains Salvadorans, Guatemalans, Mexicans (“among whom is a sizable chunk of Zapotec Indians from Oaxaca”), Koreans, Bangladeshis, Chinese, Armenians, Russians, Thais, and told Hiller that “covering it ain’t easy.”

THE OTHER: It is if you consider them all part of Los Angeles, and the United States.

THIS: A recent L.A. Times article referred to UCLA as being a “West Los Angeles campus.” Perhaps the Times should start using the acronym, UCLWLA.

THAT: Jim Romanesko recently suggested that newspapers might “outsource” copyediting overseas. Looks like the Times has already started.

THIS: “President” Bush praised the two San Francisco Chronicle reporters working on the Barry Bonds professional baseball steroid story, saying, “you’ve done a service.”

THAT: The reporters, Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada, face more jail time for refusing to reveal their sources than the combined sentences of all the defendants in the steroid scandal.

THE OTHER: Nothing like a presidential vote of confidence.

THIS: Bush to drill 118,000 oil and gas wells on pristine land.

THAT: Bush refuses U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan’s request that the U.S. cut its greenhouse gas emissions. The U.S. is the world’s largest such polluter.

THE OTHER: "When government and landowners and conservationists and others work together, we can make dramatic progress in preserving the beauty and the quality of our environment."---“President” Bush.

THIS: a) Ravenous giant snails that emerge from the ground by night are thriving on the tropical island of Barbados, destroying crops and prompting calls for the government to eliminate them. . . b) Less than one degree Celsius (1.8 degrees Fahrenheit) is all that stands between the gender-bending tuatara—New Zealand's "living fossil" reptile—and extinction, scientists say. . . c) American and Iraqi officials have set a date for giving Iraq’s forces responsibility for security across the country. Under a plan to be presented to the UN Security Council next month, the Iraqi Government would assume authority from coalition troops by the end of next year.

THAT: Which of the preceding news stories is science fiction?

THIS: Jack Abramoff, one-time big shot college Republican who stole millions from Native-Americans, branding them “trogladytes” behind their backs, and funneled the money to his favorite congressmen, enters prison.

THAT: The Rip Post applauds George Clooney in referring to Abramoff only as “Jackoff.”

THE OTHER: He’s going to have plenty of time to now.

THIS: The U.S. Dept. of Agriculture has eliminated the word, “hunger,” from a report measuring, um, hunger, in the USA. Mark Nord, lead author of the report, says “hunger” is scientifically inaccurate. Instead, he says that people who cannot feed their families have “low food security.”

THAT: News item: “Carbon Emissions Out of Control.”

THIS: Michael Jackson sings “We are the World” in concert comeback, but leaves stage in a sweat after mysteriously after singing a few lines.

THAT: News item---Global Warming Threatens Gender-Bending Reptiles.

THIS: Rev. Ted Haggard, a self-styled moralist and opponent of gay marriage, steps down as head of the National Association of Evangelicals after it turns out he seems to have enjoyed a bit of methadrine and homosexual intercourse.

THAT: “There is a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.”---Frank Zappa.

THE OTHER: “He’s got twenty million dollars/ in his heavenly bank account/ all from those chumps who was born again/ oh, yeah. . .”---F.Z.

THIS: The Guardian reports that former Liza Minnelli husband David Gest enjoys drinking zebra milk.

THAT: And you wonder why newspapers are in trouble?

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