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(Feb. 22, 2007)

Turned on the KTLA “Morning Show” the other day. Here’s how it went:
          Award-Winning Journalist Carlos Amezcua:
          We have just learned that Britney Spears has shaved her entire ass. We are on Shave Watch this morning, and the entire KTLA Morning News will bring you the latest as it happens.
          Weatherman Mark Kriski: Shaved her ass! Yeah! Ass! Shave! We could have some rain today, folks.
          Co-Anchor Michaela “Free Home Makeover” Pereira:   
          This girl clearly needs help. I mean, she is not exactly de-icing the cool bus!
          Kriski: De-ice the cool bus! Ice! Yeah! In Canada, all the buses are cool!
          Amezcua: Everything’s cool in Canada!
          Kriski: Canada's cool!
          Pereira: But never as cool as it gets on the Red Carpet at the Academy Awards. We will be going LIVE to Gayle Anderson to talk about Red Carpet etiquette, and just how they make that ol' red carpet so darn red!
          Kriski: Red! Rain! Ass! Yeah!
          Amezcua: But first we have Bill Smith standing by LIVE at a place where they do a lot of actual shaving. It’s called a “barber shop.” Bill?
          Smith: This is not---repeat, not---the barber shop where Britney had her ass shaved, assuming she went to a barber and did not do the job herself carefully, bending over with a mirror, but it is---repeat, is---a barber shop. (Walks inside) Here you can see people not only getting all the au courant haircuts that our KTLA Morning Show staff so ably displays---this means you, Kurt the Cyber-Guy---but you can see people actually being shaved. This, of course, is where a razor, which is a very, very thin strip of metal sharpened to an extremely fine edge, is used to level hair follicles right where they emerge from the epidermis, and---
          Amezcua (interrupting): Bill? Bill?
          Smith: Yes, Carlos.
          Amezcua: Can we say ‘epidermus’ on television?
          Pereira: I don’t even say that around the house, which, by the way, was decorated for free in exchange for a story---
          Kriski: Epidermus! Ass! Yeah! We’re gonna have rain!
          Smith: I’ll check with the FCC on that, Carlos, but I think they’re still pretty busy trying to figure out if it’s okay to say ‘cock’ instead of ‘rooster.’ But back to shaving. Here at this barber shop, they do not---repeat, not---shave asses, although I’m told that you can purchase an ass shave in West Hollywood, so maybe we’ll tool over there in a few minutes and see what we can find out.
          Amezcua: Can we say ‘tool’ on television?
          Kriski: Tool! My favorite band. They’re not Canadian, though.
          Pereira: Most bands aren’t Canadian, but most bands are verrrrrrry cool.
          Amezcua: Yes, they are! Especially my favorite band, Chicago!
          Kriski: They're not Canadian, and they're cool! Shave! Rain!
          Amezcua: (arched eyebrow, serious) Believe it or not, there is other important news to report this morning, and we would not want to neglect it---
          Pereira: That’s right, Carlos, we’ll bring you the latest on the body of Anna Nicole Smith---
          Kriski: I wonder if she shaved her ass!
          Amezcua: (laughing) Well, it’s a moot point, now, Mark.
          Kriski: She wasn't Canadian, either.
          Pereira: I'm Canadian!
          Kriski: Clouds! Offshore flow!
          Amezcua: (arched eyebrow, serious) What he have learned is that Anna Nicole’s mother is crying a great deal, and we will bring you footage of her crying, as well as the latest on the hundreds of men who claim to have impregnated Anna Nicole in the last hours of her life---
          Kriski: Wasn’t me! I was in Canada! Shave!
          Pereira: Oh, you guys.
          Amezcua: As well as the latest on the story on the mind of every American this morning, and that's what’s going to become of little Dannie Lynn. But right now we have Morning News Early Edition co-anchor Emmett Miller in studio for a special investigative report on the Spears matter. Emmett, you're up late! Good to see you.
          Miller: (feigns yawn, smiles) Great to see you, too, Carlos. Like the new ‘do.
          Amezcua: Almost as short as yours! How do you get it so close to the scalp?
          Miller: (smiling) Trade secret! Well, what we are going to talk about here is not pretty, Carlos, and is graphic, so be warned that some parts might offend some viewers. Britney Spears’ ass-shaving is, contrary to widespread rumors, not necessarily indicative of unstable mental health. A KTLA Morning Show special investigation has found that ass-shaving is a very common practice in trendy L.A. salons, along with anal-bleaching, so it is entirely possible that Britney was just getting in step with fashion. Back to you guys. (smiling)
          Pereira: Wow. Thanks, Emmett, for that startling investigative report. You only get this kind of reporting at the KTLA Morning Show, folks. Small wonder we clean up around here at Emmy time.
          Kriske: Wonder! Clean up! Hey, it's gonna be clean today in Southern California after this rain!
          Amezcua: (arched eyebrow, serious) Any word on whether Spears engaged in anal-bleaching, Emmett?
          Kriski: Weather? Yes, we've got lots of weather!
          Miller (smiling) No, Carlos, but I'm looking into it.
          Kriski: Into it! Yeah!
          Pereira: Oh, you guys!
          Amezcua: (arched eyebrow, serious) I’m told we have Eric Spillman standing by LIVE at the scene of a major traffic accident in Panorama City. What’s going on Eric?
          Spillman: (shouting) Well, Carlos, this isn’t as pressing as Britney Spears shaving her ass, but we do have important local news that needs to be covered, right? I am standing here at the corner of Van Nuys Boulevard and Sherman Way, where two SUV’s have collided head-on---
          Pereira: Eric? Eric?
          Spillman (shouting): Yes, Michaela?
          Miller: (smiling.)
          Pereira: Eric, I think the first question on viewers’ minds is, were the drivers of these SUV’s Britney Spears fans, and if so, do they also shave their asses?
          Spillman: (shouting) Exactly right, Michaela, and I was just coming to that. We are working hard to determine whether the drivers are fans of Britney Spears, and if so, do they also shave their asses. Wait just a moment, I have an LAPD sergeant here, maybe we can. . .Sergeant? Sergeant? Eric Spillman, KTLA Morning Show. Can you tell us anything about the drivers?
          LAPD sergeant: Yes, uh, both of these, uh, individuals have, uh, been pronounced, uh, deceased at the scene.
          Spillman: Were they Britney Spears fans, sir?
          LAPD sergeant: This particular, uh, information is undetermined as of, uh, this particular time, but we hope to, uh, have it available at some particular, uh, time in the, uh, particular future.
          Spillman: Did they shave their asses, sir?
          LAPD sergeant: Uh, we have yet to, uh, ascertain this particular information at uh, this particular time and, uh, we would only release such information, uh, after notification of particular, uh, next of kin.
          Spillman: Of course. Thank you, sergeant. So there you have it, Carlos and Michaela. We do not have that information, pending notification of next of kin, but we will bring it to you LIVE just as soon as we do get it. We certainly understand the need to respect the feelings of family in matters like this. Reporting LIVE from Panorama City, this is Eric Spillman, now back to you in the studio.
          Pereira: So tragic! And Eric’s right, we absolutely respect the feelings of family.
          Kriski: R-e-s-p-E-c-t! Find out what it means to me! Sock-it-to-me, sock-it-to-me, sock-it-to-me. . .
          (Wide shot showing Miller walking off stage, boogieing to Kriski.)
          Pereira: Aretha! The queen of soul. They don’t get any cooler than her, do they?
          Amezcua: The coolest!
          Pereira: I mean, she’s way cooler even than Britney shaving her ass---uh, if indeed Britney was doing this to be cool, and not out of mental distress. We certainly wouldn’t want to leap to any conclusions here, or minimize the seriousness of this story.
          Amezcua: (arched eyebrow, serious) Right, Michaela. Now it’s over to Sam Rubin with the entertainment report.

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