THIS, THAT, AND THE OTHER. . .
(May 23, 2006)

THIS: Heather Mills McCartney separates from Beatle Paul.

THAT: I guess their marriage was just limping along, on its last legs. But she's got a leg up on things now. As for Paul, well, I guess he's stumped. With no prenup, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. It’s going to cost him an arm and a leg. Their marriage is out on a limb, at best.

THE OTHER: Shame on me.

THIS: Oprah to “write” fitness book (with Bob Greene), and signs the biggest non-fiction book deal for it in all of human history! Over $12 million Oprah bucks!

THAT: Inside sources tell The Rip Post that there is not a single toilet in Oprah’s home, and that while in studio, she never visits the ladies’ room!

THE OTHER: By the way, a recent Oprah show visited whimsical, merry Auschwitz, where, of course, countless Jews were put to death in WWII. Here is the happy promotional billboard, near Melrose and La Cienega: and Nothing says glamour quite like a ex-death camp, does it? You go, girl! (Thanks to LAobserved.com and  Defamer.com.)

THIS: The Dixie Chicks’ Natalie Maines: "I apologized for disrespecting the office of the president . But I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t feel he is owed any respect whatsoever.”

THAT: Music to my ears.

THE OTHER: I respect her statement, and her musicianship, but I wish I could respect the Dixie Chicks’ albums a little more.

THIS: Rep. Nancy Pelosi, who wrote that hideously embarrassing novel about a woman representative in Washington, D.C., and Rep. John Conyers, both proud Democraps, say they will not support impeachment for President Disaster.

THAT: I would support impeachment of Pelosi and Conyers on that basis alone. Of course, I would support impeachment of Pelosi on the basis of the hilarious sex scenes in her awful novel.

THE OTHER: (Best argument against impeachment of Bush: Cheney. Throw them both out.)

THIS: “Scooter” Libby says he never saw the New York Times article about Ambassador Joseph Wilson with handwritten notes by Dick Cheney about taking action against Wilson.

THAT: Gun? What gun? Oh, this gun in my hand? I don’t know how it got there! Liquor store? What liquor store? I’ve never seen that liquor store in my life! Blood? What blood? That blood? I must have cut myself shaving!

THIS: Fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger, whose preposterous name is to be found stamped on the hindquarters of millions of female U.S. citizens, beat up singer Axl Rose at The Plumm Club in NYC. It was a territorial dispute over Rose having moved Hilfiger’s girlfriend’s drink.

THAT: Perhaps Jane Goodall studied the wrong creatures.

THIS: Attorney General Alberto “Good Mexican” Gonzalez says that reporters can be legally prosecuted for printing leaked information.

THAT: Gonzalez, of course, says national security is at issue. In a way, he’s right. The printing of leaked information by corporate/government whistleblowers in a free press is absolutely vital to national security.

THE OTHER: Perhaps Jane Goodall studied the wrong creatures.

THIS: News item--- Housing prices in NYC are driving young white people to purchase flats and brownstones in Harlem, where housing prices are now rapidly rising.

THAT: The Harlem Shuffle. Can Watts be far behind?

THE OTHER: Incidentally, I heard Bush speaking beautiful, eloquent, grammatically perfect English the other day. . .

THIS: Woman who puts her life on-line, 24-7, including masturbation and confessions she would only make to a shrink, is upset about the National Security Administration spying on citizen phone records. She considers it a violation of her privacy.

THAT: Perhaps Jane Goodall. . .

THIS: Scientists say that the risk of asteroid Adophis slamming into Earth in 2036 are greatly reduced---much less than had been suspected. It’s now one chance in 24,000.

THAT: Damn.

THE OTHER: Not to worry. Humanity will have pretty well ended the party by then.

THIS: Heather Mills McCartney (beware of anyone using three names---old Rip Post axiom) reportedly has referred to her estranged husband to friends as a “boring old fart.”

THAT: Malice will be difficult to prove here.

THIS: News item---pigeon-brained birds can think in logarithms.

THAT: News item---apes can plan ahead.

THE OTHER: News item---Pat Robertson says God told him a tsunami’s comin’!

THIS: Brit deejay Chris Moyles does impression of “big, fat black guy” while interviewing Halle Berry, and she is offended.

THAT: Halle Berry does impression of black woman, and The Rip Post is offended.

THE OTHER: Why is it all right, by the way, for black comics to lampoon whites as nerdy-speaking idiots, yet taboo for white comics to lampoon blacks?

THIS: A couple weeks ago, veteran Fox News reporter/interviewer Tony Valdez was a guest on the John and Ken show on KFI. John and Ken are provocateurs, I gather (AM radio is seldom on at The Rip Post), and were raving about the immigration “issue,” and manifest destiny, when Valdez said this: 'It's very convenient for you to do that, I say with respect,' Valdez shot back, 'but nevertheless you took this country, you killed people in order to take this country for yourself.'”

THAT: News item---pigeon-brained birds can think in logarithms.

THIS: Valdez seems a nice fellow, but all this stuff you keep hearing from protesters about how “you” stole “our land,” etc., merits a little clarification.

THAT: Speaking on behalf of other evil European-Americans, I would like to point out that none of us were here to steal anything when this country was settled. I did not fight in the war with Mexico, and I’ve never met anyone who has. What’s more, I not only have never stolen anything (other than an orange when I was ten years old), and am not a landowner, but this land does not really belong to anyone. It was here before humans were, and very likely will be here long afterward.

THIS: Chief Justice Clarence “Pubic Hair on the Coke Can” Thomas attended a party for Bush’s sister, Doro Bush Koch, who has written a “book” about her father. Said Thomas to Doro: “We have to pray for your brother. He’s in real trouble.” This from the New York Daily News.

THAT: The Rip Post is not big on prayer, but believes that Chief Clarence has it assbackwards: it’s the country that’s in real trouble, and needs praying for.

THIS: Bird flu reportedly makes leap to human-to-human transmission. UN experts say 150 million could die.

THAT: Think what this could do to Oprah's new fitness book deal!

THE OTHER: Pray for Oprah!

THIS: Condoleezza Rice recently told The Independent her favorite pieces of music. Among them: Cream’s “Sunshine of your Love” (No. 2), Beethoven’s 7th (“quite simply the greatest symphony of all time”), Elton John’s “Rocketman.” Ms. Rice, as is well known, also plays classical piano.

THAT: Comforting that in times like these, the Secretary of State is granting cutesy-poo interviews about her musical faves, and really taking some time to really enjoy her celebrity!

THE OTHER: Fiddling while the world burns.

THIS: Some of her other choices were the Mussourgsky opera, Boris Godinov, Aretha Franklin’s “Respect,” and Cream’s “Sunshine of Your Love.”

THAT: Wonder what’s behind her “love” of Russia. Tzarina aspirations?

THE OTHER: Considering her spike heels and black S&M knee-length boots, make that Catherine the Great aspirations. (Whinneeeee, snort, snort.)

THIS: Hillary Rodham Clinton (all three of her) has called for cutting reliance on foreign oil fifty percent by 2025.

THAT: Or was that George W. "President" Bush?

THIS: ABC News picks Charlie Gibson as its news anchor. The SF Chron runs a story on page one about Gibson being ABC's "answer to Katie Couric," who despite having no background in news, is the new CBS anchor.

THAT: News item---new species of penguin discovered.

THE OTHER: Now which one of these stories is more interesting to you?

THIS: Elton John dons a tutu to celebrate the first year anniversary of a British musical, then a couple weeks later says "all photographers should be shot."

THAT: Monsanto patents genetically modified pig. Britain genetically modifies baby to be "cancer-proof" to several forms of the disease that plague the family.

THE OTHER: You'd think that modern science could do something for Elton.

THIS: First Clownface Laura Bush says the media is "enjoying" her husband's dive in the polls.

THAT: She must read The Rip Post.

THIS: Scarlett Johansson reveals that she refers to her breasts as "my girls."

THAT: Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn.

THIS: Pamela Anderson, who rose to fame because of a pirated porn video of her and "rocker Tommy Lee," as he is invariably called, says that vegetarians have better orgasms.

THAT: Donald Rumsfeld wants to spend $65 billion more on Iraq.

THE OTHER: Perhaps Jane Goodall. . .

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