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(Oct. 5, 2005)

          The Rip Post has obtained a tape containing instructions by “President” George W. Bush for writing the speech introducing Harriet Miers as his nominee for retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor’s spot.
          The RP edtiorial board would go to jail, just like our hero, Judy Miller, rather than reveal the source of the tape, other than to say that we have no relationship whatsoever with anyone on the planet named “Scooter.”
          Our source speculates that Bush was “well into a bottle of Jim Beam” at the time he dictated these instructions to his speechwriter. This could not be verified, although there is a suspicious clinking on the tape from time to time, and the “president” does become a bit freewheeling in his instructions.
          Finally, it seems likely that Condoleezza Rice was involved in the writing process, because Bush repeatedly addresses  “Madame Secretary," and at one point refers to high-heeled shoes.
          The “president’s” comments are contrasted with the final speech, below.

FINAL SPEECH, PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH: Once again, I considered a wide variety of distinguished Americans from different walks of life. Once again, we consulted with Democrats and Republicans in the United States Senate. We received good advice from more than 80 senators. And once again, one person stood out as exceptionally well suited to sit on the highest court of our nation.

BUSH TAPE: My fellow Americans blah blah. I didn’t consider anyone for this new job, except Harriet, and I wouldn’t-uh considered her except that Laura leaned on me to pick a broad. But don’t say it that way---L-O-L! Course I woulda picked Laura if I could, but she don’t have a law degree. But she’d make a heckuva justice! Or judge. How come they call some of them justices and some of them judges, anyhow? Frankly, I don’t think that not having a law degree should be a problem, but the media would put her through heck over it. So I picked Harriet, acause she’s always been loyal tuh me, and uh. . .she goes to a good evangelical church and uh. . .is a nice lady, when she’s not drinking, anyhow. L-O-L. She’s my pit bull! And she’s damn good with a black marker, too---just look at my old National Guard records. She’s a lawyer, anyhow, so whaddya want, egg in your beer? Maybe say, “she’s a lawyer, too, but don’t let that bother you"---L-O-L. Or maybe not. We didn’t consult anybody at all on this, so better say something about how I talked to 80 or 90 senators or some crap. Say something like we believe that we know what’s right for America, and you believe it, too. An’ I like this part---Sure, there’s lots of lady judges out there. Judge Judy, for instance. But you don’t have tuh be a judge to be a Supreme Court Justice! Like I didn’t have to be a president tuh be president! You can kind of fix that part a little.

SPEECH: This morning, I'm proud to announce that I am nominating Harriet Ellan Miers to serve as Associate Justice of the Supreme Court. For the past five years, Harriet Miers has served in critical roles in our nation's government, including one of the most important legal positions in the country, White House Counsel. She has devoted her life to the rule of law and the cause of justice. She will be an outstanding addition to the Supreme Court of the United States.

BUSH TAPE: Here---say a lotta good-sounding crap about Hattie so it dudn't’t look too bad that she’s never been a judge, and is just an average kind o’lawyer. An' anyhow, bein' my lawyer is one uh the most impordunt jobs in the country, and the planet. I mean, whaddya want, salt on your watermelon?

SPEECH: Harriet was born and raised in Dallas, Texas. She attended public schools. When illness struck her family during her freshman year in college, Harriet went to work to help pay for her own education. She went on to receive a bachelor's degree in mathematics and a law degree from Southern Methodist University.

BUSH TAPE: Paint a word-pitcher of Hattie. She paid for her own education, y’ know, and got a degree in math or something crazy like that. So that shows she’s smart, uh. . .and dudn’t need commie entitlement programs. Make sure and mention that she went to that Methodist school. Oh, and get that stuff about illness in the family---that’s impordunt. Makes her empathetic, or sympathetic, or pathetic, whatever it is. I was thinkin’ of sayin’ that her whole judicial philosophy comes down to “how would Jesus rule?” Whaddya think?

SPEECH: Over the course of a distinguished legal career, Harriet has earned the respect and admiration of her fellow attorneys. She has a record of achievement in the law, as well as experience as an elected member of the Dallas City Council. She served at high levels of both state and federal government. Before state and federal courts, she has tried cases and argued appeals that covered a broad range of matters. She's been a leader in the American Bar Association and has been recognized by the National Law Journal as one of the most powerful attorneys in America.

BUSH TAPE: An' I think we need more word-pitcher. Lotta b.s. about respect of her peers, uh. . .Dallas City Council doesn’t sound too good for a Supreme Court nominee, so say she served at “high levels” of state and federal government. B’lieve me, if she was servin’ with me, she was at high levels, heh heh. You know, say she’s tried cases on a “broad range of matters.” Laura will laugh at that cause she hates me usin’ that word, “broad.” Get that word “leader” in there somewhere, lots o’ times. I used it a lot in 2000, and the people ate it up. I just said, “I’m a leader” all the time till the idiots believed me. I did a heckuva job in that election.

SPEECH: Harriet's greatest inspiration was her mother, who taught her the difference between right and wrong and instilled in Harriet the conviction that she could do anything she set her mind to. Inspired by that confidence, Harriet became a pioneer in the field of law, breaking down barriers to women that remained even after a generation -- remained a generation after President Reagan appointed Justice O'Connor to the Supreme Court.

BUSH TAPE: I dunno. . .Say somethin' about her mommy. People like that. An' we gotta stop all the stuff about how she’s not a judge, and how I’m just pickin' her cause she’s my friend. You know all the major league assholes in the media will trot out all kinds of lady judges who they say are more qualifed, but screw ‘em and the horse they rode in on. Dudn’t matter. I can pick who I want tuh. I’ve got a charge to keep. Jus’ like the pitcher on my wall with that lonely cowboy says, “A Charge to Keep.”  Call her a pioneer or something. Americans are like ten-year-olds, like I always say, and they like that kind of “pioneer” crap. Then say she broke barriers for women, or something. That’ll piss off the commies. They hate it when we steal their tricks, like when I hired you, Madame Sekkertary. Oh, and be sure and say that her Ma taught her the diffurnce between right and wrong. That’s impordunt for a judge, tuh know the diffurnce between right and wrong.

SPEECH: Harriet was the first woman to be hired at one of Dallas's top law firms, the first woman to become president of that firm, the first woman to lead a large law firm in the state of Texas. Harriet also became the first woman president of the Dallas Bar Association and the first woman elected president of the State Bar of Texas. In recognition of her achievements paving the way for women lawyers, Harriet's colleagues in Texas have honored her with numerous awards, most recently the Sandra Day O'Connor Award for Professional Excellence.

BUSH TAPE: Get lotsa “first” crap in there. PR the crapola out of this thing. See if you can make it stick, that pioneer stuff. Y’know, she was the first woman tuh. . .do. . .whatever the heck it was she was first tuh do. An' tally up her merit badges, you know the drill. . .

SPEECH: Harriet has built a reputation for fairness and integrity. When I came to office as the governor of Texas, the Lottery Commission needed a leader of unquestioned integrity. I chose Harriet because I knew she would earn the confidence of the people of Texas. The Dallas Morning News said that Harriet insisted on a system that was fair and honest. She delivered results.

BUSH TAPE: Do the “fairness and integrity” crap. She never been a judge, but we got tuh make her sound like she been one. Say something about that Lottery Commission thing. You know she did a heckuva job on it. If you can run a lottery, you can rule on abortion. I mean, she delivered results! Hey, wish Saddam was still running Iraq, donchyou? Talk about deliverin' results! Really like tuh kick his towelhead ass all over again. That was goddamn good, wudn’t it? Fun seein’ him pulled outta that hole in the ground. An’ I hope we can kick that little North Korean bastard’s ass before I’m outta here.Maybe nuke the son-of-a-bitch. What’s his name, anyhow? Kim Dong Ill or somethin’. Heh heh, mebbe he’s got V.D.! Dong ill! L-O-L. How come those squarehead bastards are all named Kim? I once did a broad named Kim. Oh, sorry, Madame Sekkertary. Yeah, we did a heckuva job on Saddam.

SPEECH: Harriet has also earned a reputation for her deep compassion and abiding sense of duty. In Texas, she made it her mission to support better legal representation for the poor and underserved. As president of the Dallas Bar, she called on her fellow lawyers to volunteer and staff free neighborhood clinics. She led by example. She put in long hours of pro bono work. Harriet Miers has given generously of her time and talent by serving as a leader with more than a dozen community groups and charities, including the Young Women's Christian Association, Child Care Dallas, Goodwill Industries, Exodus Ministries, Meals on Wheels and the Legal Aid Society.

BUSH TAPE: Kim bites the big one! Think they’ll shoot Saddam or hang ‘im? I’d like to get over there, incognito, fer that. . .Jesus loves me, yes he do, ‘cause the Bible tell me to. . .That goddamn Cindy Sheehan broad fries my ass. Like tuh send her over to spend a week in a cell with Saddam, heh. Talk about torture! Oh, hell, say Hattie baked cookies, helped old ladies across the street, she dudn’t cuss blah blah, don’t chew tobacco. . . In 1814 we took a little trip, along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Mississip. . .Hattie give a lot to charity, like the YWCA, but don't say YWCA, y' know---spell it out! Young Women's Christian Association. Get Jesus in there. . .Talk about her pro bono work. . .Heh, wouldn't mind some pro bono work m'self. . .Oops, sorry, you know me. . .We took a li’l bacon and took a li’l beans. . .dah dah dah dah dah all the way to New Orleans. . .

SPEECH: Harriet's life has been characterized by service to others, and she will bring that same passion for service to the Supreme Court of the United States. I've given a lot of thought to the kind of people who should serve on the federal judiciary.

BUSH TAPE: Okey-dokey. . .lesseee here. . .Oh, use some touchy-feeling words like “passion.” All the commies like that. Y’know, say I gave a lotta thought tuh thisss. . .An’ I did. I musta thought about it fer lease all the timeouts in the the SC game th’other day. Heckuva game, wudn’t it? We fired our guns, but the British kep’ a comin’. . .there wudn’t quite as minny as there was a while agoooo. . .Y’know Madame Seckerterry, those shoes you bought up in New York look mighty good on those li’l brown legs o’ yours. . .Kind uh props up your hynie. . .See we gotta get Hattie on the court, 'cause she's my pit bull! She won't let the wimp congurse get in the way o' fightin' terrists. . .Oh! yeah, here's the mos’ impordunt part. . .

SPEECH: I've come to agree with the late Chief Justice William Rehnquist, who wrote about the importance of having judges who are drawn from a wide diversity of professional backgrounds. Justice Rehnquist himself came to the Supreme Court without prior experience on the bench, as did more than 35 other men, including Byron White. And I'm proud to nominate an outstanding woman who brings a similar record of achievement in private practice and public service. Under the Constitution, Harriet's nomination now goes before the United States Senate for confirmation.

BUSH TAPE: Ya gotta say it don’t matter that she wudn’t a judge---‘cause Karl tole me that Rehnquiss wudn’ a judge! Didja know that? Shit, how kin they let somebody be on the Spreem Court without bein’ a judge? Ain’t that somethin’? Damn, I coulda picked my Ma fer the job. . .if she wanted it, I would, too. . .Oh, an’ Karl says they had 35 other judges on that court who was white, or somethin’ like that. Check with him, okay? Oh, they ran through the briars, an’ they ran through the brambles, and they ran through the bushes where a rabbitwouldngooooo. . .So, my li’l brown secckerterry pal. . .Y’know, you and Hattie’s both virgins, but I wancha tuh know that you’re my favorite.. . .Uhhh. . .Because the Bible tell me so, I'll siddown and scratch my toe. . .Yes, Jeeezuz loves meeeee. . .Hey, howdja like where we tried out a little Tularemia on the commie protesters? Now if we can get congurse to gimme powers tuh enforce quarantines with the army, we’re cookin’ with gassss! Just dose up the commies with some virus ‘r germ crap, and then round ‘em up! Well, we fired our cannon til the barrel melted down, so we grabbed an alligator and we fought another round. . .Heh. . .We filled his head with cannon balls and powdered his behind, and when they tetched the powder off, the gator lost his mind. . .Think I need a bathroom break. . .

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