The Rip Post




(Sept. 17, 2003)

        Off the top of my head.  . .
        *If the government had prepared as well for a terrorism attack as it is preparing for Hurricane Isabel, there would have been no 9/11.
        *The satellite pictures of Isabel at sea looked like Monet.

        *Sentencing Tommy Chong to federal prison for running an Internet bong business is like sentencing handgun manufacturers to federal prison.
        *Hmmm. . .come to think of it. . .
        *Add Chong: Undercover agents buying bongs through Tommy's "Nice Dreams" website weren't exactly doing Sherlock Holmes detective work.
        *2nd add Chong: Tommy's prosecution---make that persecution---will have as much impact on marijuana use as outlawing matches.
        *I agree with Gray Davis that Schwarzenegger should at least be able to pronounce "California" properly, if he wants to run it. "Caulifawnya" belongs on a salad.
        *Arianna, please start wearing a bra in public. You don't have the pecs for it.

        *Judging by recent photos of a shirtless Schwarzenegger, neither does he.
        *Give the Cy Young Award to aging Hideo Nomo, who learned how to pitch all over again after his power waned years ago, and is a warrior on the mound.

        *Add Nomo: With any kind of decent offense, he would have easily won over 20 games for the Dodgers these past two years.
        *John Ritter didn't think much of his acting ability, but he was damn good in "Sling Blade."
        *Add Ritter: My former wife, who was from Taiwan, learned a lot of her conversational English from watching "Three's Company." As she said, "It's stupid show, but good for learning English."

        *I don't think Ritter would have argued with her.
        *I can think of no better life advice than that offered by the late Warren Zevon, after learning of his terminal illness: "Enjoy every sandwich."
        *2nd add Ritter: My friend John Rogers, distinguished night editor of Associated Press's Los Angeles bureau, tells me that the great Stan Freberg changed Ritter's life.
        *3rd add Ritter: "Freberg told me an interesting story about him," said Rogers. "He said Ritter once came up to him and said, `'Stan Freberg, you're my hero,'' then explained how'd he'd been pressured by family to pursue acting, get his drama degree at USC, only to realize he really didn't want to be a great dramatic actor, and didn't think he had the talent for it."

         *4th add Ritter: "It weighed on him so much," Rogers continued, "he told Freberg, that he had a nervous breakdown. While he was laying around depressed, he pulled out the old Freberg albums he'd enjoyed so much as a kid, and had a brainstorm: `'I can do that,'' he said told himself. 'I can be funny.'''
        *The discovery of whale flatulence went relatively unnoticed in the media, yet I say it should have taken precedence over all the coverage of "Ben and Jen."
        *Any similarity between "Ben and Jen" and whale flatulence is strictly coincidental.
        *Has anyone else noticed that Affleck can't act?
        *Has anyone else noticed that leading man Nicolas Cage is extremely homely?
        *Jennifer Lopez, please start wearing a bra in public. We get the point(s.)
        *Dick Cheney says he "misspoke" when he claimed that Saddam had "reconsituted nuclear weapons." Yeah, just a minor slip of the tongue!
        *Here is the Paul Wolfowitz Iraq quote that I hope comes back to haunt him right out of government: "We're dealing with a country that can really finance its own reconstruction and relatively soon."
        *The alleged victim in the Kobe Bryant case reportedly admitted going to Bryant's room and engaging in "intimate" behavior with him. I'd say that gives her every bit as much credibility as O.J. Simpson.
        *Add Cash: Johnny once agreed to appear on stage with Frank Zappa and sing a reggae version of "Ring of Fire" which the band learned for the occasion. He cancelled because his wife became ill. At least that was the official story.
        *Stan Freberg, though pushing 80, is hard at work on volume three of "The United States of America." If you don't know what that is, please rush right out and purchase volumes one and two.
        *3rd Add Chong: Singling out Tommy is a small manifestation of the Bush Administration's efforts to attack anything smacking of "the sixties."
        *I don't know if "weapons of mass destruction" are buried in Iraq, but it sure looks like the report on whether they ever existed is being buried in Washington, D.C.
        *Why is everyone pronouncing "candidate" like they are stuttering? "Candi-dit?"
        *John Kerry is finished as a candi-dit and candidate.
        *The more Howard Dean speaks, the more he persuades.
        *John Edwards is a candy-date. All sugar and packaging.
        *"Millenium Actress" is probably the most inventive and affecting movie released this year. And it's animated.
        *"Lost in Translation" with Bill Murray is wildly overrated. Every time Murray starts to get funny, the scenes are cut short. Much of the picture is student-film quality, engaging and amusing as it often is.
        *L.A. Opera really shot itself in the foot with Deborah Drattell's dreadful "Nicholas and Alexander."
        *Add "Nicholas": the thematic content was at the level of George Winston, the orchestration featherweight and borrowed from Debussy and Ravel, the libretto by Nicholas Von Hoffman prosaic to the point of ugly.
        *2nd add "Nicholas": the vocal writing was anti-melody to the extent that it sounded utterly random and improvised.
        *3rd add "Nicholas":  Drattell doesn't seem to understand that in opera, music and singing are supposed to illustrate story and evoke emotional response.
        *Imagine that.
        *Ann Coulter's book is well named: "Treason."

        *Ann Coulter, please stop wearing a bra in public.
        *Bill Moyers' "Now" (Fridays at 8 p.m. on PBS) is civilized, credible investigative journalism that should be required viewing for the whole country. No matter your politics.
        *Why does no one understand that you advance as far as possible into the intersection while waiting to make a left turn?

        *What is with the resurgence of newly pressed LPs turning up in record stores?
        *Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld lived up to his title the other night in an interview with Jim Lehrer. The man was bobbing, weaving, dipping---practically dancing---with defensiveness. When Lehrer suggested that things have not gone smoothly since Saddam took a powder, the defensive secretary exploded about how it has only been "FOUR AND A HALF MONTHS!"
        *Tell that to the families of the dead.
        *Add Rumsfeld: He's right. Four-and-a-half months is not a long time to make progress in assembling a country that has historically resisted it---except under threat of torture and death. When the Brits designed Iraq long ago, they cobbled together three sects that were never meant to be sections of anything.
        *Recommended listening: "Creole Song," by Kid Ory.
        *Recommended viewing: "The Meaning of Life," by Monty Python (now in deluxe double-DVD.)

         *Album of the year: "Brainwashed," by George Harrison.
          *Yes, I know it was released in 2002. It's still the album of the year.
        *Free Tommy Chong!

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