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(Oct. 29, 2004)   

         The following is a paid political announcement:
       "Hello, American Infeedels! I am Osama bin-Laden! Your personal boooogieman! Boosh is my man! Vote for Boosh and keep the War on Terror alive! Vote for Boosh so he will keep sending the infeedels to my homeland! Vote for Booosh so we can recruit lots more looney keeds to go on suicide bomb missions for Allah! Don' vote for Kerry! Don' vote for Kerry! Kerry ruin everything! World War III party over! Kerry try to fix Iraq, calm everybody down---no goooood! Besides, he talks too much, and bores me, and I can understand Boooosh's English! Booooosh and Cheney! Booooosh and Cheney! Jihad! Jihad!"
        "I'm George W. Bush and I approve this message."

        The following is a paid political announcement:
        "I am American Azzam Al-Qaeda! But you can call me 'Al.' See, I learn that from Paul Simon song, so you know I am real American, even though I have very, very slight accent, like Arianna Huffington. See? I read pundits, too! That Maureen Dowd---she slays me, but some day I will slay her and all American infidels! I know all that goes on in America, American doggies! Boo! Boo! Are you scared? I know about your Halloween! Treek or Treat! Tom Cruise, Britney, Boston Red Soxes! I talk to you for 90 minutes on veedio because I want you to reelect Booooosh and Cheney! They are my main homies, bro! They keep me in business, and I understand all about free enterprise and chain of command, sir! Because I am American, just like you! I know all about football and pork rinds! So re-elect Boosh and Cheney to keep me in my job. They are good for my economy, and all Al-Qaeda employees! They create lots of new jobs for us! Get real scared, American infidels, and vote because you are afraid of me and my cool wraparound bandana! Boo! Have a nice day!"
        "I'm Karl Rove---I mean, George W. Bush---and I approve this message."
        Step right up! Hurry, hurry---here it is, folks, the October Surprise. They couldn't catch Bin-Laden, so the bearded old polygamous goat crawled out of his spider hole in Tora Bora, or Bora Bora, or Pago Pago, and made a cameo! He gallantly taped his message of support for the Bush administration. I'm not a terrorist, but I play one on television! It was the least he could do for Jihad and Allah and Dick Cheney! What a guy, for an evil mastermind with one kidney!
        And how 'bout that menacing American Assman (whom the FBI says might actually be a kid from Orange County named "Adam")? All the experts say that he knows this country well, has the lay of the land and all that, so we'd better watch out! Of course, if he really knew the USA, then why did he threaten to "make the streets run red with blood?" That happens in South-Central L.A. or Detroit every Saturday night. But no matter, Assman looked like a young Yassir Arafat---what you could see, anyhow. Look out!
        Yes, Osama and Assman were obviously so worried by Kerry's poll numbers that they just couldn't stand it any longer, and had to get involved in the political process---just like millions of patriotic Americans volunteering at the polls; just like those wonderful people in Britain who wrote letters to voters in Ohio (and got All-American "Dear Limey asshole" missives in return.) Thanks, Osama! You're quite an example, risking your life and all! If Americans were half as interested in our politics as you are, we'd have a representational democracy here, maybe. You should phone some undecideds down in Florida!
        Yes, Bin-Laden must have been biting his nails to the quick and playing with his beard something fierce, there in his comfy mud hut compound in the Muslim region of Northwestern China. Probably almost spat out his yak milk during the presidential debates. After all, with Kerry in office, the whole foreign U.S. policy emphasis will be to reduce the impetus for terrorism. Gosh, how wrongheaded can you get?
        Why, that Kerry madman says he wants to lower random mass murder to the level of a "nuisance," much as it has been for our pre-9/11 lives. You know, kind of like Oprah--- she's always there, but you can mostly ignore her. Can't have that! That would spoil Osama's groove thang. Booosh is his enabler, for Allah's sake. They need one another. They're the Laurel and Hardy of Armageddon, the Abbott and Costello of World War III, the Allen and Rossi of Global Pax Americana.
        Hey, George, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into! We can't have global pax, Americano!
        The Bin-Meister looked positively aglow with inspiration in that videotape, didn't he? Taking great pride in the impact and influence he has on American politics. I'll bet no terrorist has so swayed public opinion in an election since Monica Lewinsky.
         And even though the Prez and Bin-Laden hadn't done their comedy routine in quite a while, Booosh never missed a beat---promptly declaring "the American people will not be intimidated by Osama Bin-Laden!"---really knocking 'em dead (well, metaphorically, not like those 100,000 innocent civilians in Iraq.) Yes, it's the Osama and George Show---brought to you by Halliburton and Saudi Arabia, just in time for election sweeps!
        I mean, this is one ratings-conscious terrorist network. They have their timing down, you have to give them that. Osama and American Assman's videos will be playing incessantly all weekend---certainly more than Arnold's 2008 Presidential Campaign appearance in Columbus---er, that is, his appearance in support of Bush there. You know that Arnold was there to boost the Prez, even though he only talked about how he'll never forget Columbus, and how he did a lot of body-building there, and once squeezed the hindquarters of some very fetching little Columbus coffee shop waitresses. . .
        Upstaged! Shwarzenegger upstaged! Now that's terrorism of a kind he never faced in Hollywood. Leave it to Osama Bin-Laden. Allah be praised! Vote for Boooosh!
        Hey, American Assman, what are you gonna do after you make the streets of America run red with blood?
        "I'm going to Deezneeland!

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