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(Aug. 12, 2004)

THIS: Indefinite Orange Terror Alert!

THAT: Should have called one of those twenty years ago, instead of supporting Saddam and selling him weapons.

THE OTHER: Should have called one of those twenty years ago, instead of supporting Osama and selling him weapons.

THIS: Al-Sadr calls for a cease-fire.

THAT: Al-Sadr calls for new uprising against U.S. troops.

THE OTHER: Al-Sadr calls for new Dodger general manager after the LoDuca trade.

THIS: The big terror suspect who provided info that caused the Indefinite Orange Alert, Mohammad Naeem Noor Khan, was actually working undercover with Pakistan security to identify and arrest Al-Qaeda members. Exposing him, Pakistan officials say, allowed a number of Al-Qaeda members to escape.

THAT: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." ---George W. Bush.

THIS: It took ten years for government, the timber industry, and environmental groups to come up with a plan to manage the Sierra Nevada forests, the Sierra Nevada Framework. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who now seems to be governor of California, supported it.

THAT: It took no time at all for the Bush administration to reject it and triple the amount of logging in the Sierra Nevadas.

THE OTHER: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." ---George W. Bush.

THIS: Paul LoDuca and Dave Roberts were among the greatest hustlers and team players in L.A. Dodgers history. Roberts was paid in foul balls that he re-sold to Little Leaguers. Guiellermo Mota was the best 8th inning man in baseball. LoDuca and Roberts were principal sparks for renewed Dodgers team chemistry, something that is impossible to impose, and takes years to catch on.

THAT: Thirty-one-year-old Dodger GM Paul "Computer Boy" DePodesta, who recently graduated to long pants, traded them.

THE OTHER: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." ---George W. Bush.

THIS: Fifty-two CEOs donated to the John Kerry campaign, while 280 donated to Bush's.

THAT: Only 280?

THIS: Democrats trying to see Dick Cheney speak in Rio Rancho, N.M., were asked to sign an oath endorsing Bush in order to get in.

THAT: Then they were tattooed with a big "D" on their forearms.

THIS: Laura Bush offered this penetrating insight to O' Reilly: ``I think there are a lot of reasons to be critical of the media in America. I think that a lot of times the media sensationalize or magnify things that aren't -that really shouldn't be,'' she said.

THAT: Isn't this like complaining to the mafia about too much crime in the neighborhood?

THIS: A U.S. government official---I mean, a Saudi prince---gave the Bushes and their top aides $130,000 in jewelry in 2003.

THAT: Argentine Prez Nestor Kirchner gave George and Laura $1500 in raw meat.

THE OTHER: I'd say Argentina is in for a lot of foreign aid.

THIS: Traces of the anti-depressant, Prozac, have been found in London drinking water, apparently having gotten there through sewage runoff.

THAT: I think I need a drink of water.

THIS: Dodger GM Paul DePodesta is one of these guys who thinks you can put together a team like you put together an engine. Just plug in this guy here, and that guy there, and. . .that'll fix it.

THAT: Obviously, he is not a Laker fan.

THIS: Old Charlie Daniels wrote a new song, "This Ain't No Rag," which apparently is intended as a compliment to Old Glory. Here is a lyric: "This ain't no rag, it's a flag and we don't wear it on our heads/ It's a symbol of the land where the good guys live/ Are you listening to what I said?"

THAT: Perhaps Mr. Daniels has not seen Old Glory desecrated by "patriotic" Ameriguns wearing it as hats, pants, underpants, brassieres, tooth-implants, and condoms?

THE OTHER: No, Charlie, you sure don't wear "no rag" on your head. By the way, it's called a kaffiyeh, I believe, and is worn for much the same reason that you wear that stupid black hat all the time. You good guy, you.

THIS: San Francisco man stages internet execution by Muslim extremists.

THAT: Washington D.C. man stages terror alerts with right-wing extremists.

THIS: "Festival Express" is a lovely chronicle of some very happy musicians having one of the best times of their lives, careening across Canada on a train in 1971. The footage of Janis Joplin is astounding.

THAT: Joplin rendered all pop singing since as irrelevant.

THIS: The Chevy Suburban and Tahoe, the Range Rover, the GMC Yukon, the Toyota Land Cruiser and Sequoia, the Lincoln Navigator, the Mercedes M Class, the Porsche Cayenne S, and the Dodge Ram 1500 pickup (with optional Hemi), and the Hummer all weigh over 6,000 pounds.

THAT: Almost all residential streets in California's big cities prohibit vehicles weighing 6,000 pounds or more.

THE OTHER: I think I need a drink of water.

THIS: The British Army paid $700 to the family of an eight-year-old girl killed by a British soldier.

THAT: Just think what they would have gotten if she was a teenager!

THIS: McCain denounces vile anti-Kerry ad that suggests his war record is fraudulent.

THAT: McCain continues to campaign for Bush, whose National Guard record is fraudulent.

THE OTHER: I think McCain needs a drink of water.

: Trent Lott said John Kerry is a "French- speaking socialist from Boston, who is more liberal than Ted Kennedy."

THAT: Interesting that being a xenophobe is now a matter of pride.

THE OTHER: Trent Lott is a monolingual fascist from Mississippi, who is more to the right than, well, you can't get more to the right than this Howdy-Doody looking cretin with the spray-glue hair.

THIS: The other day, Kerry said something like, "We need a president who believes in science!"

THAT: Imagine having to say such a thing in a campaign.

THIS: Television news has largely dropped the "to be" verb from its reporting style. You constantly hear phrases instead of sentences, such as "The police still on the scene here" and "The President flying to California."

THAT: TV news written by pinheads.

THIS: With all the trades in major league baseball, and all the strangers who suddenly are part of "your" home team, it's hard to know who to root for.

THAT: Go, corporation, go!

THIS: Said Bush, to a group of minority journalists, when asked if he understood what "sovereignty" means: "Tribal sovereignty means that. It's sovereign. You're a ... you're a ... you've been given sovereignty and you're viewed as a sovereign entity."

THAT: Said Bush, asked about a relationship between Saddam and Al-Qaeda: "The reason I keep insisting that there was a relationship between Iraq and Saddam and al Qaeda, because there was a relationship between Iraq and al Qaeda."

THE OTHER: The reason George W. Bush must be voted out of office is that he is George W. Bush.
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