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RIPOSTE
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LINGO WMD FOUND!
Of all the tons and tons of "weapons of mass
destruction" allegedly held by Saddam, authorities have so far found next to nothing.
But take heart---the Lingo Czar has ferreted out lots of verbal WMD, further justifying
his ongoing attack on rogue Lingo states.
All Lingo terrorists are therefore advised to
avoid using the following worn-out phrases, buffoonish slang, buzzwords, mistakes and/or
mispronunciations infecting and muddling clear and dignified communication in this, the
21st century. They are rated "T" (trite), "A" (asinine), "P"
(pretentious), "W" (whoops), and "CP" (criminally prosecutable, with
recommended minimum punishment of one day of self-imposed silence).
DOG (also DAWG)---Dog, the Czar is all in favor
of humility, dawwwg. Loves no one better than someone who does not take himself/herself
seriously, dog. Lack of pretense? Dog, the Czar can't pretend to disdain it, dog. All in
all, self-effacing presentation, modesty, tact are all right, all too uncommon, and all
for the best. But. . .dog? Dog! How is it that suddenly all males under 25---well, maybe
35---are referring to one another as "dog?" Yes, these males often have much in
common with canines, from public urination to wanton fornication (don't believe it?---you
haven't seen "Extreme Dating.") But. . .dog? It seems to have all but replaced
"dude," which is certainly not a bad thing, dude. But. . .dog? In the '50s, it
was "cat," which the Czar rather liked. Dog in human context not only degrades
humans, implying approval of bestial behavior, but more important, it degrades dogs. A.
BLINKERED---This one
came from nowhere, spreading as fast as SARS but with even less containment. Every pundit
and commentator is now scrawling and spewing "blinkered," as if it is no more
unusual than saying "cat" or "weapons of mass destruction." Such
fad-words are grabbed up like dropped biscuits by every hound in the pundit pack. Using
them conveys membership in the Secret Society of Self-Important Soothsayers; they are cachet
in the journalism fraternity. Blinkered? It's fun to say, sounds clever,
indicates nothing extraordinary, yet suggests vocabularial sophistication. Of course, it
means un-seeing, unknowing; having a limited scope (as in a horse with blinkers)---which,
coincidentally, also describes users of the word, "blinkered." A, P.
SUNSET---The Czar loves
sunsets, although they have acquired a bit more poignancy as he has reached middle age.
Still, this has not aided his dismay at finding this very common yet unassailably poetic
noun kidnapped by corporate types for dull, gray purpose---as a functional verb! Yes,
"to sunset" has risen in Lingo Land! As in "the bill will sunset in
November" and "our program will sunset upon completion of the new
data-base." Sunrise, sunset, swiftly fly the coporate decisions. . .It
means, roughly. . .end. Finish. Why, one wonders, must bureaucraps resort to clumsily
humiliating such lovely words as "sunset?" Probably the same reason commentators
say "blinkered." Let this use of "sunset" set. A, P,
CP.
PITCH-PERFECT---It was
bad enough when things were just "perfect." Meet you at three o'clock in the
hobo jungle? Perfect! Getting a tummy-tuck? Perfect! Got the Jello and Metamusil? Perfect!
Suddenly, everything is pitch-perfect. TV Weathermannequins are particular
offenders here, repeatedly intoning "the weather is pitch-perfect," having added
this to their arsenal of pleasantries. Hey, first of all, pitch is seldom
perfect---Eric Gagne and Pierre Boulez notwithstanding. Second of all, well, there is no
second of all. "Pitch-perfect" is as phoney as the voice of a telemarketer.
Pitch pitch-perfect. A, P, CP.
UNHELPFUL---This is the
Czar's favorite Donald Rumsfeld euphemism. The Defense Secretary (didn't they try to
change that to "Secretary of War?") is a scion of subtlety, a marvel of muted
language, an avatar of a-confrontation. When he disagrees with a person or nation or
tyrant, he remarks that this person or nation or tyrant is simply "unhelpful."
Not destoying those WMD? You're "unhelpful." This is the kind of gentle
reprimand a child would expect just before being told to do a "time-out." One
suspects the secretary has more blunt language in mind. T.
CHILLING REMINDER---TV
Newsmannequins, take heed! "Chilling reminder" is not good newswriting---it is
cold cliché. For that matter, so is "chilling." It is the latest word you have
beaten to Lingo death---joining "emotional" ("It was an emotional day for
the families of 2,000 relatives who fell into a meat grinder. . .") in the Lingo Home
for Abused Verbiage. Chill "chilling." T. (Thanks to reader Dick
Sherman.)
CHILL---This has always
sounded stooopid to the Czar, but was overlooked as harmless-to-amusing child
slang. Even when it became epidemic in college campuses around the world, aided by e-mail,
"chill" and "chillin'" seemed innocuous enough. But now that you hear
Lingo Elders saying it in place of "relaxing," "taking it easy," or
simply doing very little, it is time to sound the alarm. The last straw was a middle-aged
woman caller to Jim Rome who committed the initial atrocity of saying "what up."
It's old, folks---like you. From mouths older than 30, it sounds as affected and contrived
as "Daddy-O." Chill chill. T, A., CP.
TECTONIC SHIFT---The
pretentiousness of this expression is earthshaking. It just fractures the Czar. Think
of all the energy it takes to move your mouth around and create all the syllables
and sounds in "tectonic shift." If you're a geologist, great. If not, why are
you saying this? There has been a virtual tectonic shift in thinking on this issue. . .Oh,
come on. You TV punditmannequins don't have the faintest idea what "tectonic"
actually means---except that it refers to enormous land masses. Guess O' Reilly and George
Will got tired of saying "sea change," so they switched to the landlubbing
equivalent. T, P, CP.
REELITOR---Yes, ladies
and gentlemen, Webster's will soon probably throw in the towel and just spell it this way.
What else can they do, considering how many millions of citizens are incapable of
pronouncing "realtor." (These are the same people, the Czar has noticed who are
incapable of pronouncing "ing" at the ends of words, instead producing a sound
close to "eeeen.") What can you say? It's reelitorality. W, CP. (Thanks to
reader Dick Sherman.)
HAMMUHGER---Speakers of
"Reelitor" frequently are heard to say they want a "hammuhger."
Perhaps their speech is driven by a subconscious urge to return to early childhood, when
malformed dipthongs and clogged consonants were just cute. Count the times you hear people
correctly pronounce "hamburger," and you will not count far. Catch up to ham-burger,
bun-brains. W, CP.
SOFTENED UP---Yes,
militar-ese has its place, and purpose, but some of the terms beg to be court-martialed,
beginning with the hideous "collateral damage." Not far behind is "soften
up," as in "soften up the enemy"---meaning to kill. You soften up
members of an opposing force in order to invade and conquer, or otherwise get a leg up on
the situation---by killing. Yes, bullets and bombs really do soften up flesh and
bone. . .A.
MORE IMPORTANTLY---This
is used by people trying to sound more important. More important, it is wrong. Rewrite the
preceding sentence with "more importantly," and the meaning changes to "It
is more importantly wrong." Yes, there are more important Lingo problems than
"more importantly," but not many as common. W.
NO PROBLEM---A problematic Lingo
perennial that bears revisting from time to time. Friends, considering the number of times
you hear "no problem" during the course of a day, you would think there were. .
.no problems. When and how did "no problem" become a substitute for
"yes," "okay," "certainly," "glad to," "you
bet," and "mm-hm?" The Czar thinks it coincided with the fantastic increase
in problems pervading all aspects of life, which dates roughly to the beginning of radio
therapists. Suddenly, back in the '70s, countless millions of peaceable, happy,
uncomplicated citizens turned on their radios and realized that their lives were just
nothing but problems, problems, problems! So it became a therapeutic relief to speak the
words, "no problem," no matter how trivial the matter at hand. Can I pick up
my toenail clippings? No problem! Would I hand you the MDG Malt Liquor "Tall
Boy?" No problem! Extreme Makoever? No problem! Guess there is no solving
"no problem." T, A, CP. (Thanks to reader Damon Wolf.)
-AHOLIC---Alcoholic,
workaholic, chocoholic, sleepaholic, sexaholic, fruitcakeaholic, Oprah-holic. . .The Czar
is suffering from the suffuse presence of this fake suffix. This stopped being clever
roughly one hour after it was first improvised. But then, people are cliché-aholics.
T, A, CP.
All you dogs have yourselves a pitch-perfect
Lingo Day.
