THE TOOKIE TOODLEOO
   (12/16/05)    

          Hold on to your purse, Mike Farrell, this might be rough reading for you.
          Tookie is gone, gone, gone. Took-Took-Tookie, goodbyyyye. . .They took Tookie down. Tookie took the "D" Train. He was lethally ejected. He ain't never comin' back no' mo'---not to write kiddie books, or his life story, or to shotgun people at point-blank range as they beg for their lives.
          Toodleoo, Took-baby!
          Hey, you want to get your children's book published? Start a gang and kill somebody. Want to become a hero to kids? Start a gang and kill somebody. Want to become a national celebrity worshipped by bleeding-heart liberals and nicey-poo movie stars far and wide? Start a gang and kill somebody. Want to be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize? Start a gang and kill somebody.
           Only in America.
          That’s it! Maybe that’s how I can get my children’s fable in print! Hey, Rense, you’ve just blown away a family of three---where are you going right now? I’m goin’ to see my agent!
          Of course, Stanley “Tookie” Williams, renowned children’s book author/mass murderer, didn't just start any old punkass gang. He started that most sinister and murderous outfit, The Crips, a national "organization" specializing in murder, extortion, robbery, crack cocaine, and lots of other Nobel Peace Prize causes. Well done, Took! ‘S’all good, dog.
           Guess I was witnessing real black American history back in ’69 and ’70, when I used to see those skulking black guys with canes and long coats lurking on the perimeter of Venice High. Stupid me. I didn’t realize I was looking at potential American heroes.
          And of course, it was the Last Action Hero who took out Tookie. The Terminator, indeed! And here the two men had so much in common. Both pumped iron to become intimidating and powerful. Both rode their imposing physiques to fame. Both dealt with prejudice. Schwarzenegger killed countless people on film and got elected governor. Tookie was convicted of killing four (but probably was responsible for a lot more), and landed on Death Row. He won't be baaaaack. Irony, thy name is he-man.
          Can you say John Adams opera?
          Toodleloo, Tookie, we knew ye all too well. Note to all your bleeding heart liberal pals who protested your peaceful passing: you need to remember what a bleeding heart looks like after it's been blasted by a shotgun. As a courtesy, here’s a little reminder for you:
          Seventy-six-year-old Taiwan immigrant Yen-I Yang, who ran a motel with his wife and daughter in south-central L.A., had his left arm turned to blood pudding by the first blast from the heroic Tookie, which also broke ribs, pulverized the spleen, right kidney, bowel and large vessels.
          Don’t you hate when that happens?
 

Tookie: killed motel owners, 7-11 clerks.

Pryor: killed audiences.

          Tookie’s other toot did essentially the same thing, perhaps in case the first shot had not been sufficient. Can’t be too careful, you know. A one-armed 76-year-old man with his bowels blown open might get up and kill you. Yen-I Yang was found on a sofa, soaked with blood, gasping, gurgling. . .
          His 63-year-old wife, Tsai-Shai, was discovered with her knees drawn up under her, face on the floor---as if she had been forced to bow before being killed. The lady had been shotgunned in the base of the spine from a few inches---guess Tookie’s long-distance aim wasn’t so hot--- and also in the gut. She did not die instantly, either, and was left to gasp and gurgle her way to oblivion, along with her husband.
          The Yangs’ 43-year-old daughter, Yee-Chen Lin, received her execution to the left side of her face, which essentially removed it, yet she was also clinging to life when the cops arrived. One must assume that her last vision on planet Earth was Tookie’s Frankensteinian mass, deranged eyes, and the barrel of his shotgun.
          As for the Took-meister’s other victim, 7-Eleven clerk Albert Owens, well, he was marched into a storage room, told to lie down on the floor, and blasted twice in the back. Just like in the movies! In fact, Tookie got a big kick out of the funny noises Owens made as he died, and laughed hysterically---just like people do in movies! S. Took later chided an accomplice as a “punkass” for vomiting after the killing.
          Are you vomiting yet, Mike Farrell?
          Let’s not even get into the fact that the T-man expressed joy over killing Owens because he was white, threatened to kill the jurors who convicted him, planned to murder a guard in an escape plan, and that actual witnesses---not jailhouse informants, as widely reported by a very deficient media---helped to convict him.
          But just for fun, let’s do get into the charges by the indecent, vile people who yelled “you’ve just killed an innocent man” at Tookie’s sendoff party, sending family members of the survivors into tears.
          Let’s say they were right, and that all the evidence---eyewitnesses, bullets, etc.---is wrong, and that this brute with biceps as big as pit-bulls did not fiendishly execute four people. Let’s just say that he merely founded and ran a gang that engaged routinely in murder, extortion, and destroying countless numbers of lives with crack cocaine.
          I know what you’re thinking: gee, that alone doesn't quite merit a Nobel Peace Prize nomination. No, but I’d say it warrants a one-way ticket to the Last Mile.
          Quick, get Farrell the smelling salts!
          Death penalty opponents suffer from a death of the spirit. They have forgotten what murder is, if they ever had an inkling. They are as desensitized to violence as are kids playing video games in which people rip vital organs out of one another's chests. (More Tookies in the making?) They will claim otherwise, sanctimoniously declaring that they abhor all killing. Really? Would they have sentenced Hitler, Stalin, Mao, and Pol-Pot to life in prison?
           No, this is not just an “eye for an eye,” or “tit for tat,” as well-intentioned protestors say. One of the misguided young people outside San Quentin’s death chamber held a sign proclaiming “an eye for an eye just makes everyone blind.” Well, sure, when it comes to feuds, but the only feud here was between Tookie and humanity. Eye for an eye? Executing Tookie was more like an eyebrow for an eye. One life destroyed at least four.
          This is not simple revenge, either, although frankly, I see nothing wrong with feeling avenged by killing someone who just killed your entire family, as perhaps was the case with Yen-I Lin’s son, Robert.
          Is it justice?An anti-death penalty friend correctly pointed out that the justice system is flawed, and that innocents are sometimes imprisoned and put to death. So therefore society should eliminate punishment? What’s more, asked Friend, “who appointed you God?” Well, seeing as God is not here to mete out prison sentences, I guess we have to rely on human beings doing the best they can. (And not incidentally, I have written that all death penalty cases should be reviewed with DNA testing, whenever feasible, followed by lesser crimes.)
          Ultimately, Tookie was erased, thrown away, disposed of. This is the purpose of the death penalty. What rational reason is there to have kept him alive? So he could write more children’s books and continue working the not-guilty angle in hopes of getting sprung one day? So he could continue enjoying his celebrity? When a human being behaves so bestially that he or she resorts to wanton and hateful taking of life (as opposed to self-defense) I say. . .you throw them away. They have forfeited their right to remain here.
          Yet Farrell, Jesse Jackson, and other pious folk rallied to Tookie's cause because they said he had an important message to give to kids: don't kill people and don't join gangs. Yessir, with that kind of inspiration, who the hell needs Shakespeare? That's just the role model I want for my kid: a mass murderer on Death Row who refuses to confess his crimes and is trying to weasel his way out of prison by writing children's books.
          Tookie’s liberal posse will rant that he was a victim of poverty and racism, and cast blame at government, “society,” and everyone except Took Doggie Dawg. And they will speak in grand tones of the man’s “redemption.” How they love this word, redemption, as if it carries some magic and possibly religious hoodoo. As if writing kiddie books and saying “don’t be like me” amounts to some mystical change that balances out murder! That balances out founding the Crips! Redemption? I’d call it a sudden lack of steroids, incarceration, and fear of death. This is what changed Tookie.
          As for being a victim of racism and poverty, and as for “redemption,” I give you two words:
          Richard Pryor.
          Pryor grew up in a whorehouse. This black American intimately knew poverty and racism, and wrestled with hatred and anger, but somehow, he never managed to kill a single person! Instead, he used his wits and heart to rise above the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and did something courageous and absolutely wonderful with his life. He not only made people laugh, but he made them think about a whole lot of lousy things like. . .poverty and racism. He did this bluntly, harshly, confrontationally, ironically, and hilariously.
          And in so doing, he promoted cooperation, tolerance, forgiveness, empathy, sympathy, and um, peace.
          Pryor was never nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Of course, as I said, he didn’t start a street gang, commit murder, and write children’s books.
          And I didn’t hear Mike Farrell making any public statement mourning his death.

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