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Sept. 5, 2007

THIS: A B-52 bomber mistakenly loaded with five nuclear warheads flew from Minot Air Force Base, N.D, to Barksdale Air Force Base, La., on Aug. 30.

THAT: Russian bombers recently test-fired some missiles over the arctic, which they recently seem to have claimed for its oil reserves.


: Unimaginably wealthy film star Owen Wilson is reportedly “doing well” after a suicide attempt, says director Wes Anderson.

THAT: Unimaginably wealthy film star Brad Pitt reportedly loves being a father, “even though it’s a pain in the ass.”

THE OTHER:  This. And that.

THIS: "In this short time, our troops have performed brilliantly, with skill and with bravery. They make us proud." ---George W. Bush.

THAT: “The Iraqis are sick people and we are the chemotherapy. I am starting to hate this country. Wait till I get hold of a friggin' Iraqi. No, I won't get hold of one. I'll just kill him." ---Corporal Ryan Dupre, U.S. Marines, UK Times, March 30, 2003.

THE OTHER: “How come every single Iraqi I know, Shia, Sunni, Martian, felt much freer under the ‘dictatorship’ than under your f-----g democracy? How come?”---Layla Anwar, blogger in Iraq.

THIS: In sunny, glorious, ever-friendly West Los Angeles, a strapping, muscle-bound, shirtless young Adonis whipped right through a red light on his thousand-dollar bicycle, at high speed, with hands folded across his bronze chest. . .

THAT: . . .directly in front of an approaching car driven by this lowly Internet columnist, who dared to honk. Adonis promptly put both hands up in the air, each with the raised third finger.


THIS: Britney Spears, an inspiration to millions, released her first new song since her recent series of insane public behavior, rehab, rumors of child neglect involving her passel of brats. The song is called, “Gimme More.”

THAT: Brittney Exline, an African-American girl from Colorado Springs, entered the University of Pennsylvania at age 15, where she will work toward a dual degree in liberal arts and engineering.

THE OTHER: Give her more.

THIS: Sen. Larry Craig resigns after pleading guilty to playing footsie with an undercover officer as the two sat on neighboring toilets in a stinky airport restroom.

THAT: Bye-bye! Bi-bi!

THIS: News item: “President” Bush stops ads supporting breast feeding in order to help out the infant formula industry.

THAT: That really sucks.

THE OTHER: Come to think of it, so does Sen. Larry Craig.

: Sen. Craig now reportedly plans to “un-resign” and resume his blow---er, his job---in the senate.

THAT: His lawyers say that Craig’s private life is not the senate’s business, and Craig has a right to occupy his seat.

THE OTHER: As do, apparently, strangers in men’s rooms.

THIS: Bush flies to Iraq for what Pentagon spokesman Geoff Morrell calls a “war council” with Iraq generals.

THAT: Here is some footage of the council session.

THIS: You know, sex in advertising is one thing. And subliminal sex in advertising is another.

THAT: But airbrushing arms into giant phalluses poised to ejaculate all over the face and body of woman in a cell phone ad is quite another:

: The China government has decreed that buddhas may not be reincarnated outside of the country---without state permission. Really.

THAT: A new Islamic group, “Foundation for Scientific Research,” is now a household name in Turkey. It distributes “literature” to 80 countries in 59 languages---debunking evolution. Yes, it’s Islamic “creationism!”


: The combined vote total for Mike Huckabee, Sam Brownback and Tom Tancredo---the three candidates who have professed to not believe in evolution---was 47.1% among core GOP activists in Iowa.

THAT: Imagine: nutball Christian creationists can now get together with the nutball Islamic creationists.

THE OTHER: World peace! (Well, after they un-create the rest of us.)

THIS: The new big thing in New Agey quasi-religio-philosophy is “mindfulness” and “be here now.” There is actually a “Director of Mindfulness Education” at UCLA’s Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior.

THAT: This co-opting of ancient themes in Buddhism and Hinduism is also seeping into the corporate cubicle world, where it is being reduced to homily and motto.

THE OTHER: I don’t care if it rains or freezes/ long as I got my plastic Jesus/ hangin’ from the dashboard o’ my car. . .

THIS: Watch: Katie Couric's hard-hitting report from Iraq! Watch: Miss Teen North Carolina's inspired response to a pagaent question!

THAT: Have to give it to Katie for personality, but Miss Teen S. Carolina definitely takes “Miss Articulation.”

THE OTHER: Although Katie’s hand gestures for “up” and “down” are very compelling!

THIS: Scientists will soon create human-animal embryos to be used for research.

THAT: Dopes. They could have just used Katie.

THIS: A Colorado Springs, Colorado elementary school has banned “tag” on the school playground.

THAT: “It causes a lot of conflict on the playground,” said Assistant Principal Cindy Fesgen. In the first days of school, before tag was banned, she said students would complain to her about being chased or harassed, saying things like,“Well, I don’t want to be chased, but he won’t stop chasing me, or she won’t stop chasing me.”

THE OTHER: Dopes. They could have just used Cindy.

THIS: A B-52 bomber mistakenly loaded with five nuclear warheads flew from Minot Air Force Base, N.D, to Barksdale Air Force Base, La., on Aug. 30.

THAT: Good thing Steve Fossett wasn't flying.

: Pro Wrestler Chris Benoit had extensive brain damage. Doctors speculate this might have something to do with him murdering his wife and son before turning himself off.

THAT: Most pro wrestlers don’t kill their wives and children.

THE OTHER: Most pro wrestling fans don’t kill their wives and children.

THIS: The great Country Joe McDonald on the sixties: “The truth isn’t always entertaining and the media is in the entertainment business. History has kind of smooshed it all into one TV show.”

THAT: Or, as he sang long ago, “In the evening after dinner, I flip on my TV/ And I notice there’s a frown where your smile used to be/ Is it that you’re growing a little tired of their game?/ Excuse me but your program seems a little bit insane. . .”

THE OTHER: Or, as one of his new songs goes, “I guess it’s time for a brand new song, time to let go of the past/ I guess it’s time to be movin’ on/ well nothin’ really lasts/ I guess it’s time for a brand new tune/ good bye to the good old days/ I guess it’s time to be movin’ on/ well they weren’t so good anyway. . . But I don’t feel so comfortable with today’s push and shove/ and I find myself wanting to be back in the Summer of Love. . .”

THIS: The Summer of Love 40th Anniversary concert in Golden Gate Park in San Francisco drew 20,000-30,000 happy people, and the remains of many of the great 60’s San Francisco bands, including The Charlatans, Jefferson Airplane, Moby Grape (with the late Skip Spence’s son handling lead vocals.)

THAT: Perhaps nothing captured it all more than one of the Chambers Brothers, Lester, who came alone, seeing as he and the others don’t get along so well anymore.

THE OTHER: He sang his brother Joe’s, “Time Has Come Today,” despite not having use of one arm.

THIS: The alleged President of the United States says he cries on “God’s shoulder.”

THAT: Hey, God, does that get him off the hook for the million Iraqis who have died since he ordered the invasion of their country on false pretenses?

THE OTHER: God's answer.

THIS: Fumes from the "butter flavoring" in microwave popcorn are shown to cause lung disease.

THAT: Breathe deeply.

THIS: Halle Berry is three months' pregnant.

THAT: Scientists will soon create animal-human embroyos.

THE OTHER: I didn't say anything.

THIS: A Repugnican Senate aide said this to, regarding Sen. Craig thinking about un-resigning: "You can't make this up even if you are heavily medicated. The American people heard from Larry Craig that he would resign, and using the word 'intent' as a back door doesn't work with them."

THAT: Why not? Using the back door always worked perfectly well for Larry.

THIS: "President" George W. Bush told Australian Deputy Prime Minister Mark Vaile that "we are kicking ass" in Iraq.

THAT: Figures we'd be down to kicking, seeing as about 14,000 semiautomatic pistols, assault rifles, machine guns, rocket-propelled grenade launchers are missing.

THIS: Nepal has sacrificed two goats to appease the Hindu sky god in hopes that he might fix some technical problems with a Nepal Airlines 757.

THAT: One was obviously not enough.

THIS: The Prezboy, attending a dinner hosted by Aussie PM John Howard, reached out and touched the arm of Condoleezza Rice, saying, "She can be my date."

THAT: We shall overcome/ We shall overcome. . .


 "We're kicking ass in Iraq, and later,
 we'll see what we can do about yours." 

THIS: The arctic could be completely without ice by 2030. Doesn't seem that humanity is terribly worried about this, as big corporations are lining up for the oil (that Russia has claimed.)

THAT: I must repeat here, because I can scarcely believe I am typing these words: the arctic could be completely melted as soon as 2030. Melted.

THE OTHER: Fire up that microwave popcorn.

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© 2007 Rip Rense. All rights reserved.